"Those dang woodpeckers have got to go!"
In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah who was now living in the
United States , and said, ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked
and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build
another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans.’
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, ‘You have 6 months to build
the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40
nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his
yard - but no Ark.
‘Noah!’ He roared , ‘I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, ‘but things have changed. I needed
a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the
need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated
the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and
exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development
Appeal Board for a decision.’
‘Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted
for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead
obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I
told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear
nothing of it.’
‘Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting
local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no
go!’
‘When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued
me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was
cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.’
‘Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd
conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.’
‘I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights
Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my
building crew. Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to work. The trades
unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union
workers with Ark-building experience.’
‘To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm
trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.’
‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me
to finish this Ark.’
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, ‘You
mean you're not going to destroy the world?’
‘No,’ said the Lord. ‘The government beat me to it.’