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Brush Your Eyeballs!

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets - Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, in "Dr. Who" That's so true, isn't it!

Sure, it seems easy being a space alien. You've got your x-ray vision, your late model space ships and media coverage galore. But, as usual with most glamour jobs, there's a lot of nitty gritty work the public doesn't get to see. The job can become routine, and even a bit tedious, as we learned when we stumbled upon this intriguing page from...

SPACE ALIEN'S LOGBOOK

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8:15 AM Leave asteroid for work.

9:00 AM Hover over cornfield on outskirts of small Midwestern town.

9:30 AM Land in backyard where housewife is hanging laundry. Silence barking dog with penetrating gaze.

|10:00 AM Stun housewife with laser-gun or energy pulsating finger- tips. Levitate her body just long enough to be glimpsed by a passing motorist. Materialize the body inside spaceship. Remove internal organs; weigh, label and categorize. Return |most, if not all, to the body. Erase all traces of surgery. Rematerialize housewife in backyard. Turn back time two hours. Bid enigmatic good-bye. Leave.

1:00 PM Visit once prestigious astronomer who everyone thinks has gone mad. Deliver pep talk. Leave him fist-sized fragments of an unidentifiable element.

2:15 PM Drop by Whitley Strieber's house, pick up royalty check from best seller. Communion.

3:00 PM It's Saturday; Beam Mulder psychic impressions where to go next.

3:20 PM Hover over southwestern desert.

3:30 PM Offer psychotic drifter a lift.

4:30 PM Pose for cover of "Weekly World News" with Pres. Clinton. Discuss ozone depletion, space travel, scandal evasion, future political endorsements.

6:30 PM Back at the asteroid. Introduce psychotic drifter to other |aliens. Listen to Windham Hill.

9:00 PM Dinner. Eat drifter.

10:00 PM Wash antennae, brush eyeballs, peel off outer layer of skin. Beam cryptic message to NASA satellite. Lights out.