1. Telling me on Friday night that you signed us up to work on some community project is completely unacceptable. The lack of planning by the self-anointed leaders in this community does not constitute an emergency for me.
2. I know you are an emotional being while I am a logical being. I know you easily get upset when outcomes are not in conformance with your expectations. I know I will be told who did what to hurt your feelings. Please try to understand that unless you want me to tell the shriveled up prune who runs the garden club what I really think of her—and you don’t want to do it yourself, please don’t burden me with a problem you won’t let me address let alone fix.
3. Please do not use my razor on your legs. Yes, I love your legs and I love them even more when they are smooth, but I cannot shave safely with a blade that has been damaged by cutting coarse legs hair. If you do us my razor to shave your legs, please tell me you did so which will help reduce the possibility of my bleeding to death in the bathroom.
4. I don’t take things apart simply out of curiosity. I take things apart to learn how they work and to see if I can improve the product. Remember that I purchased the Escalade you drive with royalties from one of my patents.
5. There are three reasons I haven’t asked a person for directions in four years. The first reason is I plan my trips. I like to know the address of the destination and a reasonable route for getting there. The second reason is we have OnStar® and I bothered to learn how to enter the address of my destination into the navigation system which gives me directions. The last time I asked for directions was because the exits in the Big Dig were closed and OnStar was unable to reroute me any way other than through the Big Dig. If you remember the first three individuals we asked had no idea and said so. The fourth individual also did not know how to get there, but that didn’t stop her from giving us directions. If you remember, I finally parked and found a vantage point from which I could see our destination. I returned and we drove there.
6. Keep your promises. You have promised me you will not loan more than $20 to any individual without first consulting with me. I have heard that promise repeated numerous times after you have loaned substantial amounts of money to friends and acquaintances who had no intention of repaying it because they believe that simply because the I.R.S. takes 33 percent of every dollar I earn and the Commonwealth of Massachusetts takes 5.30% of every dollar I earn (and a greater percentage of what we spend) that we are fabulously wealthy and can “afford” to support them in the lifestyle to which they would like to become accustomed.
7. Yes, one remote is enough. I remember you had me change the batteries in the remote earlier this week. I also remember that is the first time I touched that device in the last nine months.
8. Just because women enjoy the smell of wildflowers and pine scented disinfectants, do not assume that men do. We live in a pine forest. I can go outside to smell the real pines. I am not allergic to them. But the smell of PineSol® makes me want to puke, causes my skin to break out and makes it difficult for me to breathe.
9. Do not try to open the car door until you hear the lock click to the unlocked position when I put the vehicle into PARK. It will save you a lot of time. Do NOT try to unlock the door when you realize that holding the handle has prevented you from opening the door. That is a safety feature to keep you from getting run over.
10. I don't like my brothers and sisters any more than you do. Do not assume that I am the reason that most of them are lazy obnoxious boors. They are that way because they chose to be that way. But I do not need to hear what I already know about them any more than you need to hear why I cannot stand your older sister or your cousin the chronic jailbird. I did not marry any of them and youd did not marry any of my siblings. Try to remember that. Doing so will help me control my blood pressure without resorting to medication.
>>10. I don’t like my brothers and sisters any more than you do. Do not assume that I am the reason that most of them are lazy obnoxious boors. They are that way because they chose to be that way. But I do not need to hear what I already know about them any more than you need to hear why I cannot stand your older sister or your cousin the chronic jailbird. I did not marry any of them and youd did not marry any of my siblings. Try to remember that. Doing so will help me control my blood pressure without resorting to medication. <<
I want you to know that I found this very insightful.
My hubby will appreciate you!