St Peter: Welcome Forest. Before you can enter, you have to answer three questions.
Forest: Okay.
First, how many days of the week begin with the letter *T*?
Forest: Two
Good. Just for the sake of it, what are they?
Forest: Today, tomorrow.
St Peter checks in with God and tells him what Forest said.
God: Yep, that's Forest alright.
St Peter: Forest, how many seconds are in a year? Think hard about your answer.
Forest: Twelve.
Twelve? Forest, how did you come up with that?
Forest: Well...there's January 2nd, February 2nd...
St Peter checks back with God.
God: Technically Forest is right. Pass him on this and go for the third question.
St Peter: Forest, what is Jesus Christ's first name.
Forest: Andy.
ANDY? Forest, how in the world did you come up with that?
Forest: Well...It's just like the song says "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me..."
Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went golfing.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, he was told, he would have to take an eyesight test. The clerk showed him a card with the letters
C Z W I X N O S T A C Z
"Can you read this?" the clerk asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy answered. "I know the guy!"
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Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,
"I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," said and elderly nun in the back. "I am so tired of chardonnay."