MORFORD: Three minutes of sad grunting

San Francisco Chronicle ^ | 4/9/8 | Mark Morford

[SmithL]

It's official: Sex therapists suck in bed. Also: Insane Idaho Senate candidates, Spitzer in the back -

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the media ...

All the following Associated Press stories are true, except where they have been made completely false. Names have not been changed to protect anyone at all, unless they've been made up entirely. Caveat emptor. Gratis dictum. Nil desperandum. Ready?

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Allegations that third-graders hatched an elaborate plot to knock out, handcuff and stab their teacher were met with shock by neighbors and with doubt by psychiatry experts who said it is unlikely that children that young seriously intended to hurt anyone, unless they were all given real AK-47s and sent to Iraq and told they get no dessert or playtime or veteran's benefits until they kill at least 50 scary fundamentalists while humming the theme song to "American Idol" as loudly as possible. Police say the plot at Center Elementary School in rural Georgia began because the children, ages 8 to 10, were apparently angry after the teacher disciplined one of the students for standing on a chair. Students brought a crystal paperweight, a steak knife with a broken handle, steel handcuffs and other items as part of the plot.

The Department of Homeland Security was also called in, and agents immediately sequestered the children in a back room and questioned them for 137 hours straight, after which they announced that all the children but especially the most violent and twitchy and paranoid ones were being immediately hired by the agency and will become direct advisers to President Bush, because the president is apparently "sick and tard" of having smarty people tell him how wrong he is about everything and much prefers the comp'ny of ...maladjusted

[SmithL]

Morfordite Alert

You've been warned!

[Moose4]

Looks like Miss Morford took an extra-big dose of amyl nitrate before writing this one. Maybe he needs a gerbilectomy.

}:-)4

[Little Bill]

Miss Monfort would not have any reader if it wasn't for FR.

[weegee]

The sounds of irritable bowel syndrome.

[SmithL]

... or overused

[SmithL]

Actually, the Morfordite speaks for very many San Franciscans. Check out his comments forum, if you dare.