I'M A LOST CAUSE FREEPER
or, The Ballad of Stand Watie
Oh, I’m a Lost Cause Freeper, now that’s just what I am.
For standard capitalization, I do not give a damn.
No tale’s too big to make up, no sources I will quote
And I don’t need no spell-check for anything I wrote.
I hates the stars and stripes flag, I loves the stars and bars
I stuck a big Third National on the bumper of my car
I got a Cherokee flag that I had special made
Most people when they meet me, think I’m touched in the haid.
I hates all things from up north. I really, really do
If Santa’s from the pole there, well then I hates him too.
I’ve been a Lost Cause Freeper for seven years or more.
I only talks ‘bout pancakes, and the late Civil War.
The Yanks killed all my kinfolk, ev’ry single one.
And there’s a captured U-boat on display in Galveston.
Quantrill spelled his name wrong, ev’ry single time
And ev’ry Union soldier shoulda been hung for a crime.
That I’m a protected poster many here can vouch
When Jim Rob comes to DC, he sleeps here on my couch
I can’t express myself in words like normal people do
My fingers hurt from pounding keys, I might have a loose screw.
Three hundred thousand posts here, they all read just the same
And if my facts are incorrect, I will not take the blame
I got it from a book I read, one you cannot find
And don’t you dare suggest it’s just a figment of my mind
I’m stuck in these United States, beneath the flag I hate
I sign my posts “free dixie” but am resigned to my fate
I’ll keep on fightin’ my war, on every single thread
I won’t stop actin’ crazy until I am dead
Did you write that? I applaud you, sir. Very witty.