Posted on 11/16/2007 5:42:41 AM PST by Lucky9teen
This reminds me of my MIL. She is completely put out when she sees my husband washing dishers, (which entails putting them in the dish washer), but when her daughter’s husband washes dishes, she tells her how lucky she is. Amazing isn’t it.
Nice!
Farmer John was injured when a truck hit his pick-up, and he filed a lawsuit against the driver who hit him. When the case went to trial, the truck driver's big city lawyer questioned farmer John.” After the accident, did you not say to the sheriff's deputy, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer John answered, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I did not ask you about your mule," the lawyer interrupted, "I asked you about your statement to the sheriff's deputy. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer John answered, "Like I was saying, I loaded Bessie into the trailer, and I hitched it to my pick-up truck...."
The lawyer angrily turned to the judge. "Your honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the sheriff's deputy on the scene that he was just fine. Now, many months after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. If his case is not a fraud, he should be able to answer my question with a simple 'yes' or 'no.' Please tell him to simply answer the question."
The judge, somewhat curious about the mule, responded, "Let's hear what he has to say. If he doesn't get around to answering your question, we'll deal with it after we find out about Bessie."
Farmer John thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, Bessie was in my trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge truck ran the stop sign and smacked my truck. My pick-up went into the ditch, and the trailer tipped over. I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, and I knew that she was in a bad way, but I was hurtin' real bad and I couldn't even move. Then, the deputy came, and he could hear Bessie, so he went over to her. He looked at her for a moment, then he took out his gun and he shot her right between the eyes. Then the deputy came across the road with his gun in his hand, looked me right in the eyes, and asked, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Lemon Drops! :]
ROTFLMAO!
LOL...that is good for over here. Stolen and forwarded.
A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation
and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights
would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the
restroom?" The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a
statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So,
the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she
preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the
whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of
applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir , I don't understand. Why
did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you
like a drink?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue
is lifted up, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise.” Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.” You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation . They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.” Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked to the podium. He said, “I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM.”
I rear-ended a car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn’t you know it! He was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, then, which one ARE you?”
That’s how the fight started.
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking. One blonde says to the other, ‘Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?’
The other blonde turns and says ‘Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?’
CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, “What’s the story?”
He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.”
She asks, “How often do I have to do that?”
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
RIVER WALK
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back “You ARE on the other side.”
AT THE DOCTOR’S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed and then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, “We were the first in space!”
The American said, “We were the first on the moon!”
The blonde said, “So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!”
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!” said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, “We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going at night!”
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
BLONDES AND RELIGION
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, “May I have 50 Christmas stamps?”
The clerk says, “What denomination?”
The blonde says, “God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.”
FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Helllooooooooooooooo,” answered the blonde, “They’re watch dogs!”
Sorry those were kinda mean :o)
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