This joke I saw on FR awhile ago:
Hillary has just been elected President. On her first night in the White House, she sees the ghost of George Washington. She asks it “What can I do to best help my country?” Washington says “Never tell a lie.” Hillary says “Oooh, I don’t think I could do that.” The next night she sees Thomas Jefferson’s ghost. She asks “How can I best help my country?” He says “Do what the people want”. Hillary says “Nah, I don’t really want to do that.” On the third night she sees the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. She asks “How can I best help my country?” And he says “Go into the theater...”
A FReeper posted these awhile ago as well...
1. It’s the Cold War era, in the 80s. Two Russians are standing in a very long line for vodka. They wait for hours but the line isn’t moving. One guy says “Alright, that’s it. No one should have to wait this long for vodka.” As he leaves, his friend asks where he’s going. He says “I’m going to get my gun and shoot that moron Gorbachev.” An hour later he returns. “Well?” his friend asks. “Forget it,” he says, “that line was even longer than this one.”
2. A drunken man runs out into Red Square in the night and yells “Brezhnev is an idiot!”. He was sentenced to a gulag for 12 years. He asks why his term was so long. “Well,” the KGB agent said, “the first two years are for disrespecting the Premiere. The last ten are for disclosing a state secret”.
And here’s on I made up...
Q: What do you call it when a donkey makes a mistake?
A: Asphalt
Here’s an oldy but goody...
A family of moles was sleeping in their hole, when the father mole gets up to look outside because he smelled some scrambled eggs. The mother mole also gets up to enjoy the smell. The baby mole follows to try and get a sniff, but he’s too short and is blocked by his parents facing out of the hole. Disappointed, he says “All I smell is molasses”
Oh yeah, another Cold War joke I made up...
The Cold War is at its height. A guy wearing a shirt that says “Reds” walks into a bar. Upon seeing him, the bartender yells “AAAHH!! COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST!” And the guy says, “Man it’s tough to play baseball for Cincinatti these days.”
Some science jokes...
Q: What do you get when you combine barium and Rutherfordium?
A: BaRf
(That one was one I made up)
Q: What did the thermometer say to the graduated cylinder?
A: “You may have graduated, but I have many degrees
Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch?
A: Fission chips
wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card
today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread...