A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, a platoon sergeant walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a PFC monkey please.” The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a small crowded cage at the side of the shop and removed one of several monkeys. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $1000.” The platoon sergeant paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?” The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can fire expert with small arms, score 300 on the APFT, and perform Drill & Ceremony and Small Unit Tactics with no mistakes. They’re also really amazing at cleaning things, taking things apart, and putting them back together again. And they’re pretty fearless. I’ve seen ‘em take on bear, dragon and towel-headed monkeys at better than 10:1 odds (and win). Well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at a few monkeys in another much bigger cage. “Oh, my, these monkey’s are even more expensive! $10,000! What do they do?” “Oh, those are NCO monkeys; they can instruct BRM, CTT, PT, D&C and SUT, and even do some paperwork. They’re really useful for keeping a bunch of PFC monkey’s in line, that sometimes do a lot of bickering and squabbling amonst themselves (or pretend they’re sick). Its really amazing to watch a bunch of reclining and sick looking PFC monkeys suddenly spring up and jump into action when an NCO monkey is put into the group. Quite amazing at how those NCO monkeys interact with PFC monkeys. I’ve seen ‘em sit next to an apparently sad PFC monkey for a little while, and before you new it that PFC monkey was right as rain; never a clue there was anything wrong with it. All really pretty usefull stuff, you know; especially if you have problems with your PFC monkeys. They’re really not much use all by themselves though (not without some PFC monkeys around)” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a much much larger cage of its own. The price tag posted on the cage read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others combined! What on earth does it do?”
The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually SEEN it do ANYTHING, but the import paperwork indicated that it’s a Colonel monkey.”
A crusty old Master Sergeant found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant for conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant , but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant looked at her with piercing steel grey eyes and after a long un-blinking moment replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”
The Sergeant, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”