Americans Now Too Stupid To Name Own Children

Gawker.com ^ | 6/27/07 | Staff

[Millee]

Self-obsessed parents-to-be have one more thing to worry about: What to name the little testament to themselves once Mommy poops it out. You don't want your little angel to be like every other Madison in her class. The solution? Baby-naming consultants.

Last fall, John Bentham, 36, a Las Vegas theater producer, and his wife, Shannon, 29, who runs a nonprofit foundation, says they felt "enormous pressure" to find a strong-sounding boy name. "I wanted a name that would look good on a marquee or a political banner," Mrs. Bentham says. Though they had agreed on the letter "j," none of the names they came up with -- Jude, Julian, Jake, Jason, or John Jr. -- seemed original enough. They hired Ms. Walker and Mr. Reyes, who produced an 11-page list of possibilities, including Jackson. In March, the Benthams welcomed little Jackson Dean into the world.

Walker and Reyes are a couple who offer "name consultations and workshops," and charge you fifty dollars a pop to help make sure that your Paolo isn't some pedestrian Paul. One California woman dropped nearly $500 to have a numerologist make sure the name she chose had "positive associations." Parents of America, we implore you: Save your money for the nursing home you're going to need when your offspring, bitter about a lifetime of "Anderson"ness, refuses to take you in during your declining years.

[Millee]

And what if poor little Jackson’s only claim to fame is providing fries with the burgers? Poor kid!

[Chanticleer]

When considering baby names, always look at the initials -- both in order and in monogram order (with the last initial in the middle).

My husband went to school with an Alan Scott Stillwell. I don't think he monogrammed much.

[Froufrou]

My cat answers to the can opener. Maybe we’ll evolve to having a noise for a name [like “grunt” for a future Marine?]

Or maybe a symbol like Prince used to have.

[Alter Kaker]

Last fall, John Bentham, 36, a Las Vegas theater producer, and his wife, Shannon, 29, who runs a nonprofit foundation, says they felt "enormous pressure" to find a strong-sounding boy name.

They should have called their kid Jeremy Bentham.

[dfwgator]

Just as long as you don’t name your dog, “Stains.”

[ThomasThomas]

I told my sister to name her daughter da niece.

[irishtenor]

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take him for a drag.

[dfwgator]

My dog has no nose. So, how does he smell? Awful.

[Chanticleer]

My brother-in-law had a black lab he named Leaks, because she was having a little difficulty with housebreaking.

When he called her, people always thought he was saying "Lynx," but he would always correct them. :-)

[dfwgator]

I liked the name Navin Johnson gave to his dog in “The Jerk.”

[Froufrou]

Famous brothers: Harold and Richard Ball

Famous sisters: Ima and Ura Hogg

[Chanticleer]

Mr. C. had a Vietnamese? client once named Mr. Phuc. He looked at the file, shook his client's hand, and said, "Hello, Mr. uh Fook."

Mr. Phuc replied, "No, no. It's pronounced just the way you think it isn't.

He called him "Sir" for the rest of the case.

[CholeraJoe]

What do you call a dog with no legs when you throw him in the lake? Bob.</ rimshot >

[Chanticleer]

What do you call a dog with no legs who sleeps by the door?

Matt

[Froufrou]

True story:

When I was a welfare worker, we had a real Vietnamese client whose name was Phuc Tu.

Naturally, I lost the post and had to go call out his name in the lobby.

[CholeraJoe]

What do you call a dog with no legs hanging on the wall? Art.

[Chanticleer]

What do you call a dog with no legs sleeping in your garden?

Pete

[Froufrou]

no arms and legs floating in a pool: Bob.

[CholeraJoe]

You win.

[Chanticleer]

Another client’s name was Sonny Phenis. Sonny was his nickname. He didn’t go by his real name — Harry.