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To: carton253
Having been invited to critique, I offer the following quibble:

In this line you've struck a false note: "He was still very pale and did not have strength to do more than complain about his plight."

I would avoid narration here, and go with something more like "He was very pale. A fine sheen of sweat made his forehead gleam in the lamplight."

"He did not have strength..." involves the narrator giving you a value judgment about Stuart's condition. "A fine sheen of sweat" merely tells you what's there, and lets the reader judge his condition accordingly: The singing is as strenuous a task as he can manage.

As I said, a quibble. The difference may be entirely stylistic.

275 posted on 04/10/2007 7:34:02 AM PDT by Oberon (What does it take to make government shrink?)
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To: Oberon
quibble away...

I only want to be a better writer, so I welcome all advice.

I can already see an improvement in the novel from the helpful hints I have absord here.

276 posted on 04/10/2007 7:41:52 AM PDT by carton253 (Not enough space to express how I truly feel.)
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