Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy,
looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken,
his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
" That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
" That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had,
and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
" Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself,
didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet.
He found that the problem was hair in its ears so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist says, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says, "I'm not using it on my legs, either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The pharmacist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."