Posted on 01/25/2007 5:06:58 PM PST by SJackson
The outhouse, or as I like to call it, the two-holer, is a thing of the past in most places. Some people may consider outhouses to be a taboo subject in a family newspaper, but for the sake of history, someone has to broach the subject! Because there are few, if any, 'sacred cows' in this column, let us begin.
For the younger generations who aren't familiar with them, the outhouse was our bathroom before indoor plumbing, and as the name suggests, it was outside. Most were constructed of wood and were about 4 feet square and 7 feet high. Inside was a 2-foot high box, built into the back half and extending from wall to wall. The top board had two holes cut in it. In our case, one hole was larger than the other. The smaller one was for kids. Unlike some outhouses, our door didn't have any type of hole or half-moon cut into it. A trip to the outhouse to do your duty was not without peril and adventure.
In the summer it seemed that every type of spider was at home there. And why not — where better to catch flies for a meal? I always checked the hole before sitting down to make sure a spider hadn't built a web in it. I didn't want a spider biting me on the butt! When I was very young, my folks were renting the Hauge farm. My cousin, Sandy, who was three years older than me, lived with us at that time.
There was a big woodpile next to the outhouse. One day, Dad came into the house, got the shotgun and headed for the woodpile. He shot a huge snake. At least it looked huge to us. I don't remember if it was a rattlesnake, but I suspect it was or he wouldn't have killed it. Nonpoisonous snakes were tolerated, even if we didn't like them.
After that incident, Sandy and I were afraid to go to the outhouse alone in case another huge snake was lying in wait for us. We'd make a big detour around the woodpile. Then one of us stood guard outside the outhouse while the other was doing their business. I don't know what we'd have done if we'd seen a snake. I suspect whoever was on guard would have run screaming to the house, leaving the other trapped inside the two-holer!
We also worried that a snake would get down in the hole below the outhouse and bite us when we sat down. Though I can't imagine why any type of self-respecting, walking, slithering or flying critter would want to venture into that smelly pit!
However, did you hear that Ole accidentally dropped a quarter down the two-holer? He looked down and then threw his billfold in. He told Lena, I'm not climbing down there for just a quarter!' That's a little outhouse humor.
Winter was another story. There's just no comfortable way to sit down on an ice-cold board when it's below zero. You could try to brace yourself with your hands and sort of hover over the hole like a helicopter without touching down, quickly do your business and get out of there without a frost-bitten butt. There was no loitering during the winter months. At least we didn't have to worry about spiders or snakes, but we had other problems.
Those of you who have fought your way through snowdrifts and sub-zero temperatures to reach the outhouse know what it's like. I'll leave a lot of the gory details to your memory and imagination.
During my freshman year in high school, I broke my leg and was on crutches for many months. It was quite an adventure that winter, hobbling through the deep snow to reach the outhouse. Ever try hovering over a hole while balancing on one leg, with the other leg in the cast sticking straight out? Interesting visual, isn't it? I was a sophomore in high school when we finally got indoor plumbing and an indoor bathroom, so I have a little familiarity with the old two-holer. Life became a lot more comfortable after that.
But sometimes I think we need to bring back the two-holer. Life was simpler then. You dug a hole and planted the two-holer over it. The only accessory needed was a Sears Roebuck catalog and you were in business.
Over time, the hole filled up and you simply dug another one, moved the two-holer, and you were ready to go again, so to speak. So simple! Today I have a fancy one-holer with moving parts and running water. Parts that can rust, corrode, drip and that only plumbers can fix at $60 an hour — or more!
Sears Roebuck is gone now too, replaced by fancy, soft paper on a roll that you have to buy. Times change. Rules and laws change. Two-holers are replaced by government inspected septic systems. We have city-run and controlled sewer lines that can back up and invade the basement. I don't ever recall the two-holer invading our farm cellar. It wasn't close enough to the house to cause any problems.
Progress? Personally I could still get by with a two-holer and a Sears Roebuck catalog. It wasn't as convenient or comfortable, but life sure was much simpler then.
Of course, there were those spiders and snakes to deal with in the summer and that cold seat in the winter. Maybe I better give this a little more thought!
Well growing up in DFW I never used an Outhouse. But in scouts, our camps still use latrines which is essentially a full bathroom outhouse. But most of those are going to the wayside since most of the kids now days refused to use them. The flushing toilets up by the pool are heavily used and thus heavily stopped up. The future holds for more flush toilets because of the liberal TRNC guy in the county. Evidently latrines are hazardous to the environment. This guy has put us through the ringer on the new dining hall. The general contractor left off or forgot to research about a new septic system. The rest of the camp (except for the pool) was built in 1929 and use dry tanks with the liquids running out on the ground type septic system. This county guy comes in and tells us that we can do that with the new dining hall. So we spend another $120,000 for a three pool lagoon system. AND NOW! AND NOW! the prick is trying to pressure us to tie the rest of the old buildings and shower facilities into the new septic system. Instead of being a rustic scout camp, its turning into a resort.
And wasp nests, they were a real problem, for some reason wasps liked to build their nests in outhouses, and I have been run out of an outhouse by wasps............Hint, the main diet of wasp are spiders!
Why Doc, you ole rattlesnake you.
An uncle of mine, soon after putting a bath in his farmhouse remarked, "Life sure is getting turned around. It used to be people would cook inside and s--- outside. Now they're s------ in the house and cooking outdoors." I guess Kentucky humor was pretty simple at the time, but it seemed funny to this kid back in the late 40s.
Pardon my crude story, but that was what he said.
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