So what you're saying is when you're riding her ass you should give it a few smitings?
Not exactly material for a "family friendly" forum.
A Louisiana hurricane evacuee walks into the local Texas welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month, since I left New Orleans. I'd really much rather have a job".
The Texas social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year"
The Louisiana guy says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The Texas social worker replies, "Yeah, well, you started it"
Mostly recycled puns, but some were new to me so I figured maybe you could use 'em for your arsenal.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse
5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your
Count that votes.
6. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
7. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
8. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat
miner (or is that MINOR).
9. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
10. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum
Blownapart.
11. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
12. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
13. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
14. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
15. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
16. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at
large.
17. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the
end.
18. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
19. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
20. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
21. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
22. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Note: No trees were killed in the sending of this message, but a large
number of electrons were terribly inconvenienced.
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter says with
admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says.
The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."