[Millee]

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. (Dangerfield) - ping!

[bwteim]

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

[wallcrawlr]

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

[wallcrawlr]

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

[fredhead]

"Kids these days. They get pregnant from eating chicken. I mean it's finger licking good and one thing leads to another."

"I know my wife cheats on me. I bought a used car and found her dress on the backseat."

"My wife and I decided to quit smoking. Now we only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975. I'm worried about my wife, she's up to four packs a day!"

Rodney Dangerfield, the king of the one-liners.

[Froufrou]

I may not be as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was.

[Feiny]

"No wonder you were sick—look at all the puke you swallowed."

[Lady Jag]

I childproofed my house, but they still get in.

The enumerator goes on the top

I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes.

My reality check just bounced.

Life is short, make fun of it.

I'm not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

Annapolis--A drinking town with a sailing problem.

I need somebody bad. Are you bad?

Physically pffffffft!

Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

I'm not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

It's my cat's world. I'm just here to open cans.

Earth is the insane asylum of the universe.

Keep staring....I may do a trick.

We got rid of the kids. The cat was allergic.

Dangerously under-medicated.

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash, and it's gone.

Every time I hear the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture.

Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

In God we trust. All others we polygraph.

Friendly fire - isn't. Recoilless rifles - aren't. Suppressive fires - won't.

You are not Superman; Marines and fighter pilots take note.

Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.

Never go to bed with anyone crazier than yourself.

There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.

Never draw fire; it irritates everyone around you.

No inspection ready unit has ever passed combat.

If the enemy is within range, so are you.

Military Intelligence is a contradiction.

Air defense motto: shoot 'em down; sort 'em out on the ground.

The most dangerous thing in the combat zone is an officer with a map.

Two wrongs are only the beginning