Funniest One-Liners

Sky News (U.K.) ^ | 8/14/06 | Staff

[andy58-in-nh]

Groucho had some of the best:

"Hello, room service? Send up a larger room."
"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."
"I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."
"Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honor; which is probably more than she ever did."

[Graybeard58]

Mark Twain on Jane Austen:

Jane is entirely impossible. It seems a great pity that they allowed her to die a natural death.

[bwteim]

A lifetime of fishing sounds good to me;)

[Mike Bates]

Always liked Henny Youngman:
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.
She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

[shekkian]

"Garlic bread, it's the future - I've tasted it"

Hmmph, I don't get it.

[fredhead]

"Kids these days. They get pregnant from eating chicken. I mean it's finger licking good and one thing leads to another."

"I know my wife cheats on me. I bought a used car and found her dress on the backseat."

"My wife and I decided to quit smoking. Now we only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1975. I'm worried about my wife, she's up to four packs a day!"

Rodney Dangerfield, the king of the one-liners.

[uncitizen]

Fletch: "Nice briefcase. What? Couldn't guess your weight?"

[condi2008]

I'm not confused...Oh, wait, maybe I am.

[gate2wire]

They keep trying to make us into hippies, when the reality of the situation is we represent mainstream America.

From a DU poster from yesterday's DUFU.

[armydoc]

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous!

[fredhead]

And one from Blue Collar Comedy:

"I believe the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach....it's a little further south."

[PBRSTREETGANG]

"'twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it." - W. C. Fields.


"And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning." - Winston Churchill, replying to Bessie Braddock MP who told him he was drunk.

[coconutt2000]

The funniest one-liner ever:

"I joined the jihad to meet new women and explore new career opportunities."

[martin_fierro]

Best knock-knock joke:

"Knock-Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Control Freak. Now you say, 'Control Freak who?'"

[pikachu]

Another Rodney:

This girl calls me up and says, 'Come on over, nobodys home.' I went on over. Nobody was home!

[Graybeard58]

W. C. Fields on water - I never drink the stuff, fish f*** in it.

[Ditter]

"I NEVER make a mistake!" (I thought I did once but I was wrong.)

[fredhead]

How about...."You might be a redneck if......"

[Sloth]

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day; set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

[RandallFlagg]

Some guy asked me at my yard sale how much this lamp was. I told him it was $1.25. He said, "But, there's no lampshade," and I said, "That's why it's $1.25. Get out of my yard." --Jake Johannsen