Posted on 06/16/2006 12:17:13 AM PDT by sully777
Early bird bumperootus!
LOL, I love it!
YOU KNOW YOU ARE IN TEXAS IN JULY WHEN. . . .
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!
The temperature drops below 95 F and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the
pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Ah, what a place to call home.
God Bless Our State of TEXAS !!
Ah, Texas....where men are men and women are glad of it.
Ugh, San Francisco....where men are women and women are men...or something?
And the sheep are nervous
Top 50!!
Ok, maybe it's me, but I just don't "get" Family Guy. It's not funny, it's simply annoying and amateurish-looking. Why is this show so popular?
I remember when They first let women in the Corps
There was a guy that wanted to sit with his date (a female in the band) at a football game and The bass player on the end of the row was yelling down the row "OK! Who's the fag?"
Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: You're pregnant. Bad: It's triplets. Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you. Bad: He wants a divorce. Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room. Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job. Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Little Girl On Her New Bike
A New York City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
"Nice bike", the cop said, "did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yep", the little girl said, "he sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"
"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the d*ck goes underneath the horse, not on top."
Hey, I saw it underneath the horse. The Sheriff of Rottingham on "Robin Hood, Men in Tights" (Mel Brooks movie).
Robin pulls his sword, and cuts the cinch on the sheriff's saddle.
Rottingham slides around until he's hanging underneath the horse.
Rottingham says, "I was angry before, but now I'm really pi$$ed off!"
Robin's companion Achoo says, "If I was that close to a horses' weiner, I'd be worried about being pi$$ed on!"
A Classic
One dark day in the middle of the night,
Two dead boys woke up to fight.
Back-to-back they faced each other,
Drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
Ran out and shot the two dead boys.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
Ask the blind man, he saw it too!
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