Reminds me of trying to get tech support from IBM. One of their choices was to "Press 9 and pound."
CALLING THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE
Hello, and thank you for calling the Mental Health Institute
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly
If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4.
If you suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder, press 5 but do it
v-e-r-y- s-l-o-w-l-y and carefully.
If you are dyslexic, press 6. Now press 9. Now press 6. Now press 9.
Now press 6.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the
mothership.
If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8. If you have short term memory loss, press 8.
If you have schizophrenia, listen very carefully and a small voice will tell you the number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, fidget with the hash key until a
representative comes on the line.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press a number for you.
If you are depressed, don't bother to press any numbers. No one will be able to help you anyway.
If you are paranoid, you don't need to press anything. We know who you are, we know what you want, and we know how to reach you.
If you suffer from low self-esteem, please hang up because all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
I know what you mean. I have a really screwed up keyboard. When instructions tell me to press ANY key, I look and look, but I don't have an "ANY" key on my keyboard.
I'm going to demand a refund.