Deep thoughts for those who take life too seriously.
1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like...night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK . . . so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened?
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapeno's. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.
Memorandum
TO: All employees
FROM: The boss
DATE: August 3, 2000
RE: Foul Language
It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who are easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the f**k do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh**ting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with . . .
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a s**t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I'm concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a s**t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f**king problem.
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k?
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, it won't work.
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h**l didn't you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f**k cares?
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a**.
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a**.
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it, I'm on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a**.
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h**l died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Bite me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another f***ing meeting?
TRY SAYING: I don't think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don't give a s**t.
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a f***ing prick.
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a ball-busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: What the f**k are you doing?
Basic Bar Terminology
1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)
2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT GIRL FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way
to have sex with your girl friend.)
4. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)
5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)
6. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)
7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)
8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)
9. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)
10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)
13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out
of my way.)
14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway?
You're certainly not all that, Miss Thing, coming in here
dressed like a hoochie... And get your eyes off of my man,
or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)
15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)
16. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
to lick you.)
17. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what
I'll do to you in bed?)
18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)
21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over by the cops
for being stoned after my last visit here.)