Breaking: Phil Hendrie Calling It Quits..Leaving Radio For Good

RC Collins, Doug Danger, Jay Santos and Lloyd Bonafide were also brilliant.

Wikipedia has a great page on Phil with all of his 'characters' and their background history.

"Guests" The show features dozens of recurring fictional personalities. Some of the most popular ones include:

Austin Amarka-- Austin Amarka has made a lot of different incarnations on the Phil Hendrie Show. In one bit, he was a construction worker specializing in cabinets and can lights. He's an advocate of a conservation program called "Hunt and Release" (as opposed to the catch and release program from the sport of fishing) whereby a hunter just wounds the deer, then takes it to a veternarian to have the bullet or arrow removed and then releases it back into the wild. He also enjoys the extreme sport of putting on a bulletproof vest, then donning a deer suit and running around in the forest so hunters can shoot at him. A brusque arch-conservative, Amarka runs "Don't Mess With Texas", a fanatical pro-death penalty organization which holds fiestas and chili cookoffs when convicted murderes are executed in the Lone Star State. He was even once a death row immate who tried feigning mental retardation to escape the chair. Austin is a 'white nationalist' but lately has been having second thoughts about the superiority of caucasians since a black gentleman beat him so badly at a Scrabble tournament. Austin now owns a service station in Lancaster, California. Austin is one of Phil's more versatile and diverse characters, making his precise identity difficult to describe (as it often changes depending on the bit).

Bob Bakian-- News helicopter reporter who reports on insane reactions from people after hearing celebrity gossip. Bob reported that "Michael Powell has resigned (from the FCC) so he can go on food stamps like other black people," and he was reprimanded along with Phil by David G. Hall for doing the same material twice. David G. Hall also instructs Bud Dickman to blast Bakian out of the sky for doing "schtick" such as when Korean scientists successfully cloned a dog and Bakian kept mispronouncing the scientist's names as "Yoo Suk Wang," "Swinging Wang," and "Wang Who Suk".

Aside from his schtick, Bakian seems to show an alarming tendency toward good old-fashioned ineptitude; he once mistook part of the downtown Los Angeles area as being flooded when, in actuality, his helicopter was simply over the Pacific Ocean.

Art Bell-- Real-life weekend host of syndicated on-air and Internet radio program Coast to Coast AM. Hendrie lampoons him ("I have news out of NASA—and it's shocking") from time to time. Hendrie opens the segment with a parody of Ross Mitchell, Coast to Coast's opening announcer, repeating Hendrie's single call-in number of 800-449-8686 as opposed to Bell's multiple numbers (east of the rockies, west of the rockies, first time caller, and the wildcard line). Theme music is "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, a song Bell himself often uses. Art often advertises outlandish products from a fictitious sponsor, "Peenman Enterprises" ("But first, this from Peenman Enterprises"), selling things such as the "Earth Handle" and the "Human Waste Chili Maker." A frequent guest of "Art's" is "General Johnson Jameson" who reports from his underground bunker "deep within the Saskatchewan Crust." General Jameson is often accompanied by his hunchback, drug addicted assistant "Igor", and all of his bits innevitably end with a crude and tasteless fart joke. General Jameson was inspired by Art Bell's real guests, Richard C. Hoagland and Major Ed Dames.

The real Art Bell has stated on several occasions that he is not offended by these parodies, and in fact, is a huge fan of Phil Hendrie's show.

Ted Bell-- Owner of the upscale steakhouse Ted's of Beverly Hills, one of Phil's "sponsors," with the motto, "We want to put our meat in your mouth" (the word "mouth" is now censored in light of recent FCC crackdowns). Frequently interjects with "I'm Ted Bell" when speaking to the callers. Has a chronic phobia of the disabled, and is president of the Beverly Hills Automobile Association. Inventor of the cocktail called a "Ted," simply the very common Rum and Coke. His meals are outrageously overpriced, but Bell often brags that he was the first to put tinfoil on a baked potato, and that he invented the baked potato tree—a wooden device, in the shape of a tree, on which baked potatoes are skewered so that patrons may select one for their dinner. Ted drives a McLaren SLR and often reminds callers that it cost him $400,000. Ted stated that when he was 17 years old his father put a cashier's check in his account for $20 million. Now, at the age of 50, he is proud to say that he is worth $25 million. "I'm not judgmental. I'm Ted Bell. I'm rich."

Logan Benson-- An infrequent caller to Phil's show, Logan is an eight-year-old child with dubious living conditions and guidance. His overbearing and controlling grandfather, "Papa Frank," lingers in the background and tells Logan what to say during his calls to Phil. A few examples of Logan's calls: " My grandpa says that its not fair that cripple in Florida gets more press than the chimp that ate the man's weiner," or "My grandpa says that Thanksgiving is a crock and we should have slaughtered the Indians right off the bat when we came." Logan is also told to drink some blue sparkling liquid—glass cleaner—by his grandpa.

Don Berman-- Don is a proud member of the "award-winning Channel 19 news team." Often brought on the show to talk about current news events, his latest investigative stories, and other media-related topics. Don's reports are frequently controversial, such as a special on teenage drinking and driving that, instead of simply discouraging the illegal act, advised minors on how to safely make their way home without police interference. Other members of the channel 19 news team include reporter Donna Decruz and meteorologist Goldie Showers.

Clara Bingham-- School administrator. One of Pastor Rennick's (q.v.) flock in the "Joyful Union Congregation" of Bellflower, California. Now married to Pastor Rennick. Clara once admitted to putting her underwear in the mouth of her pupils to prevent them from talking. She was nice enough though to remove her "pad" she said.

Lloyd Bonafide-- 68 year old Korean war veteran of the United States Navy, "fairly loyal" Glock gun owner, and RV enthusiast from Alhambra, California, Lloyd is a retired executive from a heating and plumbing business. He has one son and one grandson. Lloyd has a history of battle fatigue, and he lives his life "as if all hell is going to break loose at any moment." No "turkey" shoud ever cut him off, and no "monkey" should ever lay a hand on him, which includes his 5 year old grandson. Lloyd also endangers his grandson by purposely keeping loaded handguns in his house when his grandson visits. As he explains, "Any gun owner will tell you there's something about having a small child in the house and having a loaded weapon in the house that is a little bit of an adrenaline rush." Even though this idea is absurd and criminal, Lloyd actually believes that doing so keeps him sharp and his senses focused, which as a result allows him to better raise his grandson. Lloyd brings his Korean War experience into every facet of his life. On several occasions when he was put on hold by Phil, Lloyd has managed—apparently through sheer force of will—to claw his way back on the air. Recently, when on the air with Chris Norton, Mr. Bonafide revealed that he did stag films in the 1950s and was the original "Hugh G. Rection."

Lloyd tells Phil "Well, that tears it!" when he gets frustrated. When faced with a challenging caller, Lloyd has a tendency to refuse to listen to the caller unless the caller outranks him.

Lloyd operates his recreational vehicle between Los Angeles and Portland, Oregon once a year to visit his daughter. He claims to have halogen lights on the roof of his Winnebago that are so powerful "you can see a man's skull."

Steve Bosell-- Emotionally fragile owner of B&B Construction of Corona, California and frequent (almost to the point of seeming vexatious) litigant, originally from Murfreesboro, Tennessee. The "B&B" in his business name stands for "Bosell & Bosell." Steve is not in business with his father, son, brother, uncle, or anyone else. The "B&B" is supposed to represent the intensity he brings to his business: "Bosell and Bosell yet again, just non-stop Bosell comin' at ya like a stampede of steer." One of the show's most popular guests, Steve admits "weeping" at the slightest humiliation and frequently threatens to sue his wife for emotional trauma. Other common targets for Steve's lawsuits are his neighbor, Roy Hutchins (with whom he has some form of bizarre sexual tension) and a coworker, Cliff Pedigrue. In all his litigation, Steve is assisted by longtime attorney Dolores Blasingame of Riverside, California. Bosell reluctantly admits to having spent about $500,000 last year on litigation, most of it going to Ms. Blasingame.

Before Steve got into the construction business, he was a part-time stand-up comedian under the moniker Super Steve McFunny. Not being very humorous, his stand-up acts were often heckled, to which Steve would reply "Oh yeah? Well you smell like tuna."

Steve is married with two children, all of which, at one point or another, have been sued by Steve himself. His wife is April Bosell, while his two children are Steve Junior and April Junior.

Colleen Kristin Brewster-- Travel agent and young businesswoman. She has "tragically hip" fashion sense (think banana yellow pantsuit) and is an all-around slut. This character was difficult for Phil to perform and no longer appears on the show.

Darren Browne-- The General Manager of the Air America Radio affiliate in Pierre, South Dakota which carries the Phil Hendrie Show. Bud Dickman hates him for "talking weird" and ends up going through the phone and killing him every time he is on. Hendrie has voiced the character of Darren Browne under the name Vic Prell from his Miami days and early days on KFI.

Rudy Canoza-- Amorous Argentine lingerie store owner. His fictional boutique is called "Je T'aime Lingerie" in Sherman Oaks, California. Known for his sexual come-on, "la-la-la-la-la," which he claims is used by all Argentine men. Rudy has a foghorn installed at Je T'aime Lingerie to alert him or one of his employees when a "fat" woman (bigger than size 10), or when a short woman, enters his store. A recent addition has been a gong installed in Je T'aime Lingerie to alert Rudy when a "Jap" enters his store because they counterfeit his designs when they take pictures in the store.

Canoza is known to juxtapose his 'la-la-la-la-la' with popular (Sometimes even Christmas music; see 'Deck the Halls') music to allure the women.

Chef Carl Chodillia-- An infrequent character, Chef Carl is a cooking show host whose unbelievable girth prevents him from speaking into the microphone for more than a few seconds, after which he wheezes uncontrollably. His rambling and pointless recipes always call for excessive amounts of fat and sugar. Phil pledged to depose of Chef Carl as a sponsor after the presentation of his "Deep-Fried Kid" recipe. Chef Carl sounds remarkably like Roland Schwinn.

R.C. Collins-- One of Hendrie's most popular characters, Collins is a young pubescent cadet attending "Bradley Military Academy" in Altadena, California. R.C. has a very long story arc that has stretched for many years. The character actually "died" of a rare kidney disease in 1998 but was found alive and well at a KFI "Radio in the Park" event several weeks later. At the time, R.C. was a Satan-worshipping goth since he claimed that "Jesus didn't give him a good kidney." He was a popular student who played high school basketball while wearing a top hat, a black cape (with "R.C." embroidered in red letters) and while carrying a staff. R.C. has had his share of medical problems while living with his mother, who was always drunk and passed out and not a part of his home life. He lost a testicle as a result of the loss of his kidney, thus suffering for years afterward with "phantom nut." R.C. had a short stint on air working for Phil doing "The Force Report" with Bud Dickman before the release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. The pair mostly got in trouble and took drugs and rarely had anything to say about either the Star Wars movie or the fans waiting outside the "Chinese Man" Theater. R.C. and Bud were also allowed to host their own bowling tournament, which they named "The Spooge Demon Open." A former student of Chatsworth High School, R.C. now attends Bradley Military Academy under the watchful eye of Commandant Harvey Wireman, R.C. has no contact with his mother but expects "father to send for him" at any moment to be shop foreman in his dad's factory. Always image conscious, R.C. refuses to ride in the dilapidated automobiles of his friends, referring to them as "beaner-mobiles." R.C. will often include his friend Chris Sorensen in his exploits. As a side note, R.C. was also a small character during Phil's employment in Miami; then he was known as R.C. Cabetti.

Comb-Over Boy-- A send-up of talk show host Tom Leykis, with whom Hendrie has a long-standing rivalry (both hosts chide each other on their respective programs, seemingly without any goodwill). He recently "killed" himself due to the fact that he "sucks" and "is ugly." However, Comb-Over Boy has made a comeback as of late.

Doug Dannger-- Newspaper columnist of the fictitious Orange County Courier. Since coming out as a homosexual six weeks ago, he frequently proclaims his status as "a gay man and a gay journalist," although the proclamation is rarely relevant to the discussion at hand. In many of his confrontations, Doug claims he will go "eyeball to eyeball" with the caller, even if one of the two of them has to use a shoebox to level off. He declares as the number one movie of the millennium, The Shaggy D.A., a Disney flick from the 70's.

Whenever someone disagrees with Doug, he insists it must be because of their homophobia. Among his many assertions, Doug believes that gay journalists, himself in particular, should be trusted with national secrets since they've already proven they can keep a secret for a long period of time.

"I'm a gay man and a gay journalist because I was born that way."

Joe Dickhead and the Professor-- Joe Dickhead and the Professor do a sports show where they make NFL picks but they are always doing something else while giving the picks, like playing marco polo or getting a root canal. Their picks are always wrong and sometimes have nothing whatsoever to do with football.

Previously, these bits were performed every Friday (except on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving) during the NFL season. However as of last year, Joe and the Professor's NFL picks have occured less often.

Bobbie Dooley-- Busybody president of the gated community "Western Estates Homeowners' Association" of Westlake Village, California, president of her PTA, and arguably the show's most popular character. Husband "Steve Dooley" is the vice-president of Western Estates who frequently cuts in on conversations with pointless, drunken statements, usually supporting his wife. "Bobbie" makes a trademark, repeated "mmmmmmmm hmmmmmmm" noise when listening to the callers, which almost always annoys them. Her father was a circus clown and her mother a prostitute. Hendrie often does "Best of Bobbie Dooley" shows during holiday periods.

"I once wore pants to church four Sundays in a row. If that's not lesbian I don't know what one is."

Jeff Dowder-- A stoner, a drummer in the band "Darkhorse" (aka Darque Hoarse) and Professor of Mechanical Physics at Caltech. Jeff is based on real-life pal "Sundown" from Hendrie's days in Miami and Minneapolis. Jeff is advocate of the medical use of marijauna. He often demonstrates his drumming live on the air, usually incorporating various "jazz modalities"; he frequently pauses for bong hits. Jeff has a friend named Toby Beau and has mentioned the name of another friend, Hobie Bunson, at least once. (Jeff has also been known, in at least one bit, as Dr. Jeff Raley.)

Once did a semi-regular technology segment, The Jeff Dowder Compooter Show [sic], where he would talk about the important aspects of eLifestyle; porn surfing, living in one's mother's basement, never taking a shower, giving up a spouse or loved one to play with programs such as ProTools and the best kinds of junk food to eat while going to sites such as the "Chicks with Big Butts Message Board".

Vernon Dozier-- High school football coach, math, history, and social sciences teacher, and all-around tough guy who tends to be attracted to his underage female students. He has come under fire for allowing girls to wear thong bikinis to class, commenting suggestively on their appearances, and expressing his desire to propose to one of his students during her graduation. Dozier will do anything to improve his win-loss record, including spiking his players' drinks with steroids. Despite his established fondness for teenage girls, he has also implied some homosexual tendencies - he was once caught going into a gay bar with another coach who was dressed in drag. Vernon swears it was the coach's ugly twin sister, and they only went into the gay bar to dance.

Before his football days, Vernon recently revealed that he was a jazz musician, who played the saxophone. Before "giving himself to god" as he puts it, he wrote the song Watermelon Man, in reference to the stereotype that African Americans eat a lot of watermelons, of which Vernon disagrees with -- despite him using the terms "spook" and "spade" very freely around African American jazz players.

Vernon received legendary status when he took part in the extremely popular "Plane Go Boom" bit, in which he trains a retarded boy named Bobby via cattle prod in the field of airport security. In Phil's own list of the top 100 bits of 2002, this was voted number 1.

"Pile it high and deep."

Dr. Dean Edell-- Real-life radio talk show doctor. Phil lampoons him and his hair, a persistent 70's-style perm.

Raj Fahneen-- Raj is an Egyptian and Phil's first "guest," performed during the first Gulf War to incite people to call in. He was also known as Hamid during Phil's employment in Minneapolis. Raj has a difficult time grasping the intricacies of American culture ("you mean it's not okay to wipe my dog's ass with the American flag!?"). He often tells callers to "shut your mouth," calls people he dislikes "bastards" and accuses native-born American citzens of knowing more about offerings at fast food restaurants than they do about their own Constitution. Raj is famous for relentlessly asking Phil's callers, "Do you Super-Size?" Another famous bit he does is one where he sings with his "son" a song to the tune of Elvis Presley's "Blue Suede Shoes":

Raj: All Americans are big fat hogs, they eat a big mac and shoot out a log, oh yeah. Son: Uh-huhhh. Raj: Oh, yeah. Son: Uh-huhhh. Raj: Aye!

Margaret Gray-- This character "writes" a celebrity newspaper column called "A Little Bird Told Me;" overbearing mother of child actor Jason Jay Delmonico, so named after Margaret saw a package of Delmonico steaks in the supermarket. Margaret tends to incite callers by blaming any and all of the world's ills on President Bush. She was known as Margaret Selb while Phil was employed in Minneapolis; she was married to Roland Selb, who Phil later split into two characters, Don Berman and Roland Schwinn. In Miami, she was known as Margaret from Bal Harbor.

Frank Gray-- Margaret's husband, who has become a more common character lately. He is an elderly, wheelchair bound, Cutty Sark blended scotch drinker who can never find ice, and has trouble using the pronouns he/she/him/her/etc. i.e. "My wife Margaret, he's a real ball-breaker." (Frank) Is quoted saying, "Do you now Al Hert? (Phil) Yea I know him, a she right? (Frank) Hey Margaret this jackass thinks the Al Hurt is a she." (Margaret) He always gets the whole gender thing confused."

Every time Phil greets Frank and asks him how he is doing, he will consistently respond with "Well Phil, I'm vertical"

The gender confusion was given an entirely new dimension of complexity when it was revealed that homosexuals were referred to in the 'proper' gender. An example would be: "Elton John, he's a real piece of work, but Marlon Brando... she was really something else in On the Waterfront."

Some of Frank's other accomplishments: wrote Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head; was the original voice of Mr. Ed; was the first athlete pictured on a Wheatees box; taught Gene Simmons from Kiss how to spit blood; coached Marlon Brando in The Score; and rode Seattle Slew to four victories.

Bob Greene-- Owner and CEO of the Southern California grocery store chain Frazier Foods and owner of a $20,000 hair system (He insists it is NOT a toupee; "When you think of someone with hair, think of me: Bob Greene."). Bob frequently invades into the lives of his employees and seems to have a lot of trouble as an employer. He also has difficulty when it comes to charity, creating programs for hot-button causes and then complaining when it doesn't positively impact his business. Bob Greene is modeled after a real person, who was station manager at WIOD during Phil's stint in Miami. He currently owns twenty-four stores.

Bob is an old fashioned grocier who doesn't believe in health or natural food stores such as Trader Joe's or Whole Foods. In fact, he believes that these store deceive their customers about the food they sell. He recently made the argument that, even if advertised as such, no store can sell free range chicken. He explained: "It's impossible. A chicken to be free range? You can't have any fences. In other words, to get that chicken to market, you have to get in a jeep and you have to drive the length of your farm and find it because you've allowed it to just go wherever the hell it wants to go. I don't go in for that. I don't buy from people like that."

Bob also believes that plastic bags are better for the environment than paper bags because he saw it on TV. Bob loves publicity. He was taking 8 tons of goods to the Katrina victims, including hotdog relish, spatulas, beets and party hats, but was mad that no media reported on his good deed. His mom always said, "Give what you can give."

Arguably, Bob's most famous segment was before syndication when Phil was still on WIOD in Miami. During this bit, Phil tricked the actual Larry King into calling up and arguing with Bob.

Art Griego-- Commercial/private pilot with a fear of flying, good friend of D.B. Cooper and a former minor league first baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates. Art first appeared while Phil was employed in Miami as Steve Nichol, who was program director at WIOD at the time. On KFI, he phoned Phil from high above Los Angeles in a single engine Cessna 177 completely drunk to explain why pilots should be allowed to drink while flying. He then stalled (and recovered) the aircraft several times and got several panicked real pilots to call in and explain the dire situation to Phil and the listeners.

Larry Grover-- Former president of Conservatives of Kern County; currently lives on the service porch of his mother's home. His marriage fell apart while he was devoting his every waking minute to getting President Bill Clinton impeached. Enjoys good, clean, Christian sex, which according to Larry, requires partners to be fully clothed (except for certain strategic areas), plastic wrap, and use of various household cleansers for clean-up. Larry's mother often intrudes on his conversations with Phil to supply embarrassing information about her son such as his possession of a magazine entitled "Women Who Love Horses".

David G. Hall-- Phil's overbearing boss based on his program director at KFI. Now, "Hall" is usually referred to as "vice president of syndication." Always having "the hot seat dusted off" for him by his superiors when it appears he can't control Phil's show. "Darth" Hall's appearances are now heralded by The Imperial March from the Star Wars films. When Phil mentions something that has the faintest possibility of alluding to genitalia, Hall will often be notified by Phil's assistant Bud Dickman.

Kyle Holster-- A massage therapist/chiropractor that comes in every now and then to give Phil a massage or even put Phil's neck back into place with the force of his own body.

Cowboy Jim-- Cowboy Jim is the host of a live children's TV show, ala Captain Kangaroo. All skits seem to end with Cowboy Jim being hit in the 'scrotillia', or killed.

Paul "Tubby" Lane-- From the rural South, Paul Lane is a NASCAR and sometime SCCA racing veteran. He has a phobia about speed, which he uses as an excuse for his poor driving abilities. Paul tends to offend Southerners in particular with his gay-oriented ideas of how to promote NASCAR, including "Dinner With a Driver" in which a fan can enjoy dinner, nighttime beach walks, and a shower with their favorite driver. He first appeared while Phil was employed in Miami as a frequently used character named Steve Wornell.

Paul was once involved in a race situation in which he jettisoned a baby seat with a Cabbage Patch doll in it out of his vehicle. The driver whose car it hit drove off the speedway, collided with a police car, and was killed. Paul believes this occurred not because of the recklessness of the joke, but because the driver was inexperienced, was frightened by the upturn nose of the Cabbage Patch doll, was driving a Chevy, and was basically ready to kill himself. In Paul's own words, "I don't think it's a moment where you actually celebrate life when you say 'there's a Cabbage Patch looking at me and I'm in a Chevy.'"

Mavis Leonard-- African-American woman similar to Clara Bingham. Mavis often has trouble with her nephew Robert and is fond of singing old Negro spirituals.

Mavis called Phil to tell him that she was eating cat food after she was scammed out of her retirement money by a company claiming to offer vacations on Johnny Depp island.

Mavis also drinks Henry Weinhards beer and was the guest in the legendary 'All You can Eat Negro' bit, which to this day -- according to Phil -- remains the single most requested bit on Phil's show

Hal and Viola Levolier-- This semi-wealthy retired couple are always in their private plane—listening to Phil whom they absolutely adore—while flying to the only place they ever seem to go- Laughlin, Nevada. Continually fighting each other for control of the plane's telephone, the couple invariably stalls the aircraft and they "die" in a crash after each appearance.

Bob McGraw-- Bob is always on with some insane money-making scheme, like the Flight 93 kit, selling nerve gas antidote. Not a major character, but quite funny. Arguably his most memorable scheme involved charging $10 to sodomize an effigy of Osama bin Laden at an outdoor shopping mall.

Father James McQuarters-- Irish Catholic priest who comments on current events in a lilting brogue that occasionally drops to a rather dark, threatening register. Almost always appearing with Celtic music, if Phil fails to loop the track then McQuarters transitions from his Irish accent to one of an older African American. Father McQuarters is known to drink while on air, usually taking a "snort" of Maker's Mark or Johnnie Walker, eventually drinking himself to an unintelligible state. Recently, Father McQuarters voiced that he thought he "had a shot at being Pope."

Father McQuarters caused a stir when he put forth the revolutionary idea that Adam and Eve were children in the book of Genesis. To promote this idea and to prove that not all Catholic Priests are child molesters, Father McQuarters was attempting to put on a school play featuring second, third, and fourth graders as Adam and Eve "in the glory of their nakedness."

Father McQuarters was remanded by his Diocese for lying to protect some of the priests he knew who were accused of child molestation. He defended his actions by saying, "It's very difficult to give up your friends. Guys that you sit around and share a glass with. Guys that understand your language, speak your lingo." And after all, as Father McQuarters stated in a separate segment, some guys are just "born to be wild."

Father McQuarters is often known to associate with a fellow priest, Father Staley, who has been known to take a hit of the Christian Brothers port and grind out a few organ tunes once "word came down" from the Vatican that celebration was in order (due to such things as the child molestation charges being off the front page headlines)

Colonel Buck Negro-- Buck is a parody of the majority of conservative radio hosts in the country; not only Rush Limbaugh as some have asserted. He has opinions as "rock solid as the Rock of Gibraltar" but is actually very easily convinced and swayed.

Chris Norton-- "Sessy" ("sexy" to you and me due to the character's speech impediment) telemarketer and an aspiring porn actor and producer. He claims to have slept with "thousands and thousands and millions of women." Chris has a good friend and business manager named Lance Germane. Their exploits typically have strong homosexual overtones, but Chris is always oblivious to this. He has trouble pronouncing "x" sounds (which sometime infuriates Phil), like when he talks about "the sissies" ('60's), "sessuality" (sexuality), being "essited" (excited), how women "can't resist his sess" or how he looks good in a "tuss," you know, "a tussedo." Frequently breathes heavily while masturbating (usually blames the problem on a sinus or breathing condition which he can't help) when women are on the air.

Before becoming a telemarketer, Chris Norton was manager of Huge Enterprises, an adult film industry, of which he stared in a number of films under his screen name Woody Wilson. He claims to have the largest collection of adult films on West Coast. This has not been confirmed.

Chris can usually be found working "copyrighted" dance moves at the Rusty Pelican in Newport Beach, California.

Dave Oliva-- An aspiring latino LAPD officer and resident of Monterey Park, CA who frequently berates older people. Owner of a Chevy El Camino with tuck and roll seats, Chi Chi balls in the mirror and "Mambo #5" printed on the rear window. Dave often asks Phil or his callers "How do you like me now?"

Dave is very dedicated to becoming an LAPD officer, doing such things as watching gory slasher movies without blinking to toughen himself up for "the realities of the street," that he will eventually have to face as a police officer.

Earl Pants-- This character owns and operates "Earl Pants' Automotive." Earl hosts "Earl Pants Car Talk" live in Phil's studio, where he never gives any real advice. He, in fact, often shows a complete lack of mechanical knowledge, even going so far as to change a tire with his chest positioned directly under the car's wheel (which promptly crashed down and trapped him under a "big, thick Firestone meat" when his son, afflicted with ADHD, released the car jack while he was working.

Don Parsley-- Self-serving charlatan Don Parsley frequently calls Phil's show with various, disingenuous money making schemes. In the wake of any natural disaster or terrorist attack, Phil takes a call from a gentleman named Don Parsley who claims to have lost his wife in the tragedy. Don claims to not take charity, but often accepts Phil's offer to solicit contributions from the listeners, if only for Don's children. As the segment progresses, Don will decline all offers of assistance that are not cash money, he will forget his wife's name, the names and number of his children, and generally reveal himself to be a complete fraud. On occasion, he has also appeared to promote equally dubious products or services, about which he refuses to reveal any specific information. He then forgets and contradicts himself about the details he has divulged, which appear to have been made up on the spot.

Pastor William Rennick-- Boisterous African American Pentecostal minister from the Joyful Union Congregation in Bellflower, California. Husband to Clara Bingham, they both enjoy whirlwind vacations in the Holy Land using the church's money. Pastor Rennick is also known to dance to such songs as Rick James' 'Give it to Me' and Hot Chocolate's 'Sexy Thing' on the top of his car, and was known once to be 'straight bashed' when he, in his Porsche Carrera GT, was beaten by "a hammasexual" wearing "leather chaps, a leather vest with no shirt on and one of those leather Nazi Germany hats" driving a souped up Corvette. When the Pastor was beaten in the race, he refused to sign over the car's pink slip (for vehicle ownership, which he had wagered on the race), stating that "I ain't givin' no tailgunner no pink slip!", resulting in the Corvette driver assaulting Rennick and slamming his head into the door of his Porsche.

Pastor Rennick has been known to misappropriate church funds to benefit himself, resulting in extravagant purchases, such as cars, vacations and hot tubs.

Brad Rifkin-- A sleazy businessman who comes on the show to promote questionable advertising campaigns and fundraisers. During the Terri Schiavo controversy, Brad created a billboard for a bottled-water company which featured the slogan, "blink if you're thirsty." This character was named Brad "The Booger" Bellmante on Phil's WIOD Miami Show. Brad "The Booger" hosted the "Beloved Buffalo Bills Report" and would often draw the ire of fans of the hometown Dolphins by insisting that the Dolphins "stink". He once reported that Dan Marino had died because "he got the gout".

Brad also promotes a line of clothes for overweight children called "BTK" (Big Tall Kid). The logo is a boy being choked to death, which he says is an allusion to "peacefully" euthanizing an ill and suffering child. According to Brad, this is to represent the peace and relief that overweight children will receive from his plus-size clothing.

Dr. Jim Sadler-- He is a veterinarian, dentist, and psychiatrist. In recent years, Dr. Sadler has been working out, so as to better to "oil up" and intimidate others with how ripped he is. Dr. Sadler is at least fifty years old, and is married to a twenty year old woman. His voice seems to be loosely based on two strange characters that Phil did before his employment in Los Angeles: Brad from his Minneapolis employment and Rick Seiderman from his Miami employment.

Jay Santos-- "Brigadier Admiral" in the Citizens' Auxiliary Police (motto: "We Take a Peek Over the Shoulder of the Police") of Hawthorne, California (originally from Philadelphia). He was coereced into joining when his soon-to-be fellow Auxilary Policeman Major Elvis Newton came to him in a dream. His uniform consists of a blue arm band, a pith helmet, Bermuda shorts, and Doc Marten wingtips. An overbearing, officious "rent-a-cop," Santos' motto and excuse for his behavior is "It's About Saving Lives," which he will go about doing even as he perverts the concept of citizen's arrest beyond recognition and taking it completely out of context (Jay believes that the legal right to citizen's arrest gives him arrest privileges beyond even that of accredited law enforcement agencies). A cacophony of police scanners can be heard in the background whenever Jay phones in.

The "life saving" duties of the Citizen's Auxiliary Police include arbitrarily frisking teenage girls at shopping malls (to prevent shoplifting), stopping white motorists to inspect their nostrils for crack cocaine, making sure that men hanging around swimming pools aren't putting any inappropriate visual images in the "spank bank", and conducting mandatory gynecological exams on female motorists -- because distraction due to vaginal irritation might result in a car crash. Jay's shining moment of vigilanteism came when he prevented large men from "lifting up a tricycle and trying to sniff the seat" at a garage sale.

According to Santos, the garage sale, yard sale, all that nonsense, is the pit of evil in America. Jay says that, if after questioning a citizen, he can find no evidence of wrong-doing then "it's a tip of the hat, and I'm on my way."

Jay gets his marching orders from Major Elvis Newton, commanding officer of the Citizens' Auxiliary Police. According to Jay, Newton is blind and reclusive. Consultations with him always seem to take place in Newton's darkened livingroom where Jay "sits at his feet," hanging on every word of his deranged directives.

Roland Schwinn-- Morbidly obese at 5'11" and 395 pounds, Schwinn is also a nudist. Owns and operates "Camp Bountiful" where kids can eat all the junk food they want without feeling guilty. Has also been called Roland Selb.

Herb Sewell-- Criminally insane individual rehabilitated after an eight year stay in the California state mental hospital in Atascadero. Herb comes on Phil's show to comment on high-profile criminal cases. He frequently punctuates his commentary with fits of nervous laughter, which in turn unnerves the callers. Herb reminds people: "I did not commit the act of murder like some of the people I know, some of the people I'm very close to." One of those people is Walter Bellhaven, still at Atascadero, whom Sewell mentions very frequently. Walter has murdered 150 men, women, and children according to the police, was convicted of 20 of those murders in a court of law, and is a great conversationalist and card player in Herb's estimation.

He has also developed a nervous laugh, of which he'll uncotrollably go into when talking about his perverted past. This "laugh" of his, has proven to be very effective as it ultimatley freaks out the caller.

Previously, he was merely rich and deluded (a la Ted Bell and Bobbie Dooley) with a penchant for teenage girls. He later developed into someone who pushed his wife out of a car going ninety miles an hour on the California Grapevine, while his children watched. The newer, more extreme incarnation of Sewell has become one of the show's most popular characters.

Skippy and Frank-- Two morning "shock jocks" who are invariably fired from their jobs at the ends of their segments for doing outrageous and downright stupid "radical" stunts. Such a stunt occurred on the Valentine's Day edition of Skippy and Franky, where Skippy blew half of his entire face off when sticking a gun in his mouth and trying to see if he could pull the trigger with his toes.

Unable to land jobs in major radio markets, their "show" originates from some of America's most rural markets, each one a little smaller than the last.

Going from job to job with Skippy and Frank is their traffic reporter Commander Bud Hall, who always gets taunted by Skippy and Frank because his name sounds like "butt-hole." Fed up with the emotional distress and verbal abuse caused by the two, Bud Hall somehow managed to get to Skippy and Frank's studio from his helicopter in under fifteen seconds, and murdered the both of them.

Tsunami Sam-- A blues singer who sings songs that Phil interrupts because they are inapropriate (i.e. "The Candy Man" in memory of Pope John Paul II). Sam always shoots back that he's being interrupted and/or forcibly removed from the studio because he's black.

Elliot Vaneer-- A disc jockey at a radio station that plays old musical hits from older artists like Eartha Kitt, Tony Bennett, Jack Jones, and many other older 50s-60s music. Vaneer claims to be very lonely and hate his life and he repeatedly kills himself with a shotgun and comes back when Phil begins to start talking again. Elliot Vaneer is not a common "guest" but he appears every now and then to play some of the "big hits" for about 10 minutes.

"Brass" Villanueva-- A proud, young Latino from East Los Angeles ("mi barrio") who claims that he's not allowed to speak Spanish because he's "oppressed" by the Anglo culture, though Brass is invariably clueless about particulars of his own heritage. Obsessed with neck tattoos. Recently, Brass invented the Zapata Tube after receiving CPR due to near-drowning at a local beach. His girlfriend accused him of being homosexual because another man placed his mouth on his. Brass' skewed sense of honor compelled him to return to the beach and spit in the eye of the lifeguard who saved him. The "Zapata Tube" (a CPR mask with a 3 foot tube) was proposed as a "non-gay" method of resuscitating a Latino.

Dean Wheeler-- New-age, Birkenstock-wearing, America-hating, yoga-teaching apologist from a Northern California political activist group. In a previous incarnation, he was the spokesman of the Kentucky Tobacco Growers' "Tobaccy Truck" which allowed kids under the age of 18 to get free "tobaccy" if they had consent of any adult, even Mr. Wheeler.

Harvey Wireman, Esq.-- World War Two veteran and a retired lawyer; he occasionally acts as Steve Bosell's attourney for his many lawsuits. Wireman is commandant of Bradley Military Academy, where he will sometimes instruct unruly R.C. Collins to "kiss the gunner's daughter". Harvey also hosts "Senior Chat" and "Law Talk" live in Phil's studio during which his Alzeimer's often takes ahold of him. Harvey has chronic problems with his throat, usually claming to have some sort of "cheese wedge" lodged in his throat and requests a "plastic bottle of squirt" to help dislodge it.

He also has very poor eyesight, which causes him to struggle to read "copy" or news stories for his segments, often misreading the name of former New York City police chief Bernard Kerik as "Benaboo Keggie," New York City mayor Michael Bloomburg as "Miguel Blimbin" and Bill Cosby as "Buck Cornwall". He also asserted on-air once that "'seven per cant of Amae-ricans' what, is that Puerto Ricans? 'drink darring the warkday'" (seven percent of Americans drink during the workday).

This character is based on Hendrie's late father. Harvey was introduced on WIOD, Miami, as a member of O.J. Simpson's legal defense team.

Chris Pootay-- Host of "Chris Pootay's Love Songs." A radio show that loved ones can call in and dedicate a song. The callers are mostly loners.

Justin McElroy-- A high school student whom thinks he is smarter than every caller. He bags on almost every caller. He starts most sentances with the word "Well."

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