Booty by the numbers

CanWest News Service ^ | Aug 18, 2006 | Misty Harris

[Marius3188]

Never one to let his work fall between the cracks, a British bum researcher has published two scientific formulas for the perfect posterior.

David Holmes, a high-profile psychologist from Manchester Metropolitan University, says the female behind can be assessed using the equation: (S+C) x (B+F)/T - V, which takes into account shape, circularity of buttocks, "bounce factor," firmness, texture of skin, and vertical ratio.

Proportion, calculated by dividing waist measurement by hip measurement, is also significant. The closer the ratio is to 0.7, the more likely the woman's derriere is "sexily proportioned."

"The litmus test for the perfect female bum is that first day at the beach when you strip away pretensions ... and bare all," Holmes said.

"This is when we know if the New York City Ballet Workout really made a difference. Failing all else, confidence and good conversation can sometimes distract attention, if not compensate for, a 'bum deal' in the buttock lottery."

[Echo Talon]

hmmm. Interesting. :)

[Jack Hammer]

In making these calculations, one must consider the role of contemporary particle physics. Attention must be paid the quark, most particularly the bottom quark. These are found in the form of charm quarks and strange quarks, while the fascination of firmyons is not to be denied. This is especially true when firmyons are encountered in conjunction with the seaside items known as glue-ons.

[camle]

vanity, thy name is...

[battlegearboat]

Using several yardsticks or a 25 foot tape measure and a slide rule, measure from Hillary's left tan line across the divide and way over to the right furthermost tan line and apply the Blutarsky Paradigm.

If tan lines are faded or non-exsistant, try to find a tape long enough to wrap around the bum at the widest beam and then apply the Blutarsky Paradigm and divide by two. Then simply compare the resulting numbers to Professor Holmes sliding bum scale to determine the curvature and roundness of the mass and Bob's your uncle.

[Lurker]

I don't know about quarks, but a well shaped bum is definetely a strange attractor for some folks.

Badda bing...

L

[pikachu]

Just remember this when your kids ask when they will lever use Algebra in real life. Might make an intersting field study assignment too. And remember to double check you fingures -- and then you math!

[JamesP81]

As stupid as this sounds, and as much joke potential as it has, there is some small grain of truth to it all.

You ever notice how some ladies are considered overweight while some at that same size are considered 'pleasantly plump' or 'huggable'? It has to do with how they are proportioned. I have my own theory about what the difference between the two is, but I'm afraid if I post it publicly, well, I might step on some toes, and I don't want to do that (and ultimately, a person's worth doesn't have a lot to do with their looks anyway).

[wallcrawlr]