Posted on 04/01/2006 10:38:17 AM PST by SmithL
Most people know the movie "Brokeback Mountain," due to be released on DVD Tuesday, for its central romance between two cowboys.
But one group of viewers can't help also noticing the tragedy lurking in the film's background -- the story of the wives left to cope with their husbands' love affair.
"I was kind of nervous about seeing it, because I was afraid that it would bring up some old feelings," admits Linda, a 52-year-old East Bay resident who asked that her last name be withheld to protect her family's privacy. "It's an awful thing to go through."
For members of the El Cerrito-based Straight Spouse Network, the pain of discovering that a longtime partner is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender is all too familiar, says Amity Pierce Buxton, the group's executive director.
Nearly every day, she gets several calls from tearful, angry and confused people, looking for answers and support.
After "Brokeback" and related media coverage, calls and e-mails swelled to as many as 80 a day, Buxton says.
It might help, she gently tells the newcomers, to talk to other people who have been where you are.
That's where the network comes in: giving straight spouses and other partners a way to connect and share their experiences. Members contact each other through e-mail groups, or in-person at support groups in Oakland and 75 other cities around the country.
Together, they work through intense feelings of betrayal, anger, depression and grief, Buxton says.
"When a gay man or a lesbian comes out in marriage, it's no longer an individual event, it's a family matter," says Buxton, who will soon move her home and the organization's headquarters to Oakland. "Everyone struggles and everyone gets hurt."
Even years later, people struggle to describe the impact of finding out a spouse is gay or lesbian, says Buxton, 77, who was married to her first husband more than 20 years before learning he was gay.
"It's just such a bizarre thing," she says. "People call it a nightmare, a bad dream. ... You feel deceived, you feel you were misled. Your whole belief system is shattered."
About a third of couples immediately break up. A third stay together for a year or two, trying to make things work. And another third manage to stay together.
"They've got a bond, and it's more than just sex," Buxton explains.
Members call the Straight Spouse Network a lifesaver.
But ironically, Buxton says, the groups seems to have less popular support in the gay-friendly Bay Area than elsewhere in the country -- possibly because some wrongly assume it's homophobic.
To the contrary, she says, many members eventually become advocates for gay and lesbian rights, believing that a more open and tolerant society would lead to fewer ill-fated marriages involving straight partners.
As Linda says, "I feel like I need to fight for gay rights, because people need to live who they are, the way they were born. I hate the fact that people have to stuff their feelings to try to conform to what society dictates. ... And I would like to spare other women and families from going through what my family went through."
Linda and her first husband divorced after more than 20 years of marriage, during which questions of his sexuality surfaced just three times, many decades apart.
Though her husband hoped to stay together, "I just wanted the roller coaster to end," Linda remembers.
"It's definitely a grieving process. The problem is you can't be open, you can't talk about it," she said. "At the time, my husband wasn't sure what he was going to do."
In those early days, the Straight Spouse Network proved invaluable, Linda said, "because I could go and express my feelings freely."
Nine years later, she has remarried and remains friends with her ex-husband.
"I've grown a lot," Linda says. "I still get upset when I think about what I went through. It's amazing how I am much happier now, but I wouldn't have known that."
Initially, Linda worried that her past would make seeing "Brokeback Mountain" too painful. But she ended up impressed with the film.
"My reaction to it kind of surprised me," she said. "I was so moved by it. I found myself totally empathetic toward the guys; I thought it would be the other way around and it wasn't."
The movie also surprised "Ellen," a 51-year-old East Bay teacher who asked that her real name not be used for fear of job reprisals.
Before being invited to view and discuss the film with a group of straight spouses, she hadn't intended to see it -- having been warned off by relatives and friends.
In the end, she said, "I was glad I saw it because it wasn't such a big deal. I think there were plenty of things they got right, but I don't think basically it was our story. I was happy I was able to see it and deal with it more as a beautiful story."
Ellen and her husband divorced eight years ago after 25 years together. He later acknowledged having known he was gay since childhood, but said he had never wanted to be.
"He wanted to get married and have kids," she said.
Though Ellen knew something was amiss in the marriage, she was shocked to finally learn the reason.
"Just your whole foundation turns upside down," she said. "Somebody that you thought you knew so well, hiding this and keeping this secret from you. ... We had a good sex life and a normal, regular good time, and this was always there. It's kind of unfathomable."
In real life, as in the movie, the stories of straight spouses left behind by gays or lesbians is shoved to the background, Ellen said.
Not all spouses have embraced "Brokeback." Some say the movie seems too painful to see; others remain offended by its premise.
"I haven't seen the film and I'm not sure if I could," said a man who works in Oakland and asked to be identified by the pseudonym "Nathan," saying he still feels embarrassed to share his story. "It just makes me uncomfortable seeing characters do what they did. ...
"People are going on about the gay love story, but these two guys were married. There's a million people out there in the same boat and it's like nobody cares."
Nathan and his wife divorced four years ago, after 25 years of marriage.
"We never even had a fight or anything," he said. "When she said she thought she was a lesbian, I argued with her."
Like many spouses, he resents how much public sympathy is extended to the partner who comes out compared with the partner who was deceived.
"It's just the dishonesty that frustrates me," Nathan said.
It often takes years for straight spouses to adapt to the news that a beloved partner is gay or lesbian and begin to rebuild their lives, says Buxton, who interviewed hundreds of families for her groundbreaking book on the subject, "The Other Side of the Closet."
Time helps. So does support from others who've been there.
Many spouses also find help from the caring attention of their former partner.
"Straight spouses would love their partner just to listen, and not interpret it as anti-gay, and not defend themselves," Buxton says. "Music to their ears is 'I'm sorry, forgive me.' Not 'I'm sorry, I'm gay,' but 'I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I deceived you.'"
homo-advocates stuck on stupid.
This is a PR hit piece to promote the homo-porn movie.
It was not love, it was not romance, it is a sick sexual fetish.
Hopefully those women were alert enough to keep the deviants away fromt the children.
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