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I hate Valentines Day

Posted on 02/15/2006 9:45:01 AM PST by Pukin Dog

Yesterday, I did one of the dumbest things I will ever do in my long (but still pretty) life.

I volunteered to assist a friend of mine who owns a flower shop with his deliveries.

NEVER DO THIS.

Yesterday, I delivered flowers and other associated items to 55 separate addresses throughout San Diego County, mostly between La Jolla, Del Mar and Carlsbad. Some deliveries were to offices, but most to homes where I fought dogs, fences, gates and young children in various stages of curiosity and disgust about what I was bringing ‘mommy’ instead of to them.

I had strategically planned the day to insure that I would not be around any women who knew me, and what a perfect excuse than to be out delivering roses, candy, balloons (more about those later) and stuffed animals to other women, rather than try to live up to the expectations of a few who only love me for my credit score.

Assuming that I had been asked by my buddy to help him because he knew me to be studious and dependable would be wrong. I was chosen because I owned the biggest trucks, had the most available time, and had not already had the good sense to say NO!

The early deliveries were to gals in the office. I found out that there is a ritual to this, where the same thing happened each time I showed up with the goods. First, the loud announcement to the whole office that “the flower guy” is here, followed by a mass migration towards me by anyone in a skirt. “Oooh, who are they for?” I would give a name, and the sea of estrogen would part, to reveal the blushing recipient, while all the rest nodded at each other a kind of secret understanding that some man had just guaranteed her loyalty for another week at least, or at best until the next manufactured holiday.

At one office, I delivered three sets of roses to an office (real estate) where there were FOUR women, one was to be denied. It turned out that the three brokers all got roses from the owner of the business, but he forgot the receptionist who happened to be much cuter than the three ladies in their severe business attire. I felt bad as I walked back to my truck. I had a set of orchids from an office that were to be returned because the recipient was at home ill, so I called my buddy who allowed me to give the orchids to the receptionist. My reward was a wonderful smile.

Enough of that, because delivering flowers is very hard work. You have to drive with the knowledge that one speed bump can screw up your whole day. More than once, I heard the sickening sound of water running from a vase onto my pukin upholstery or carpeting after hitting a pot hole. I used up my supply of bottled water refilling vases that had tipped over. Today, the inside my Hummer smells like a combination of jasmine and mildew. I logged over 100 miles of surface street driving, catching Rush and Hannity in between stops. More than once, a recipient let me know that flowers alone were not going to be good enough to “pay for what he did” This was usually the case when the sir-name of the sender and receiver were the same. I wonder why that is? And then, there is the matter of those dammed balloons. Do you know what it is like to pull up to a stop light next to a pretty lady in a convertible and you want to look cool, with a dozen of those metallic balloons floating behind your head?

Then there is the matter of all these women looking down on me, because I apparently lacked the education that would have allowed me to get a better job than that of a middle-aged delivery boy. This was mostly the case when I would open the door to some very pretty woman, who’s boyfriend was clearly trying to “fix things” (you can tell by the smile/scowl as the woman signs the receipt) where had I been in my magic flight suit I might have made a move, but nobody loves the delivery boy.

I did snag a few tips, 5 dollars from a nice Nigerian lady who got a dozen yellow from her son, 3 bucks from a Hispanic woman in a retirement home, and various single bills from women apparently too overjoyed by my presence to not notice that I was not carrying a pizza. I appreciated the tips, but would have settled for directions to the cheapest gas station, since Hummers don’t do well in stop and go traffic. I swear I could see the gauge move every time I slowed down to handle a damned speed bump.

Starting at 10am with a couple of breaks, I didn’t finish until a bit after 6pm. Only the Savage Nation kept me from leaving the last of my packages by the side of the road and going home to a warm and waiting beer.

A few observations for guys:

Women don’t seem to care how elaborate the arrangement you buy her, if you just get something she likes. Color is important, and it seems that standard red roses are becoming boring and a sign that you don’t really care. Get yellow. Chicks dig the yellow roses. If your goal is sex, make sure you toss in the little stuffed animal. Chicks don’t seem to care if it is delivered soaking wet, they love them. Pretend you care, and get one next year. If she is over 16, DO NOT GET A BALLOON, unless it is a gag gift. Two women both appeared angry that their Valentines Day give did not convey the seriousness expected from someone who gets their underwear laundered for free.

Candy = Begging. Be a man and get the teddy bear instead. If you want candy, buy your own and hide it in your truck like I do.

Having served in the enabler role for men roped into participating in this holiday, I am more determined to avoid it in the future. The tips were cool, the reaction from children funny, (daddy didn’t buy me anything?) and a few women had their days (and I suspect nights) made better for it. I looked at some of the prices for this stuff and almost gagged, and wondered what self-respecting man spends the equivalent of two GOOD bottles of scotch on something that is going to be tossed out next week?

I will never deliver another flower, balloon, stuffed animal, balloon, plant, balloon in my life.

But, I will accept them, of course. (not the balloon)


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KEYWORDS: valentinesday
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To: Dashing Dasher
I like your "criteria."

"If a guy wants a woman to make him feel special - he has to make her feel special also. AND ... vice-a-versa."

Simple equation, ain't it?

And little respect goes a long way...

141 posted on 02/16/2006 8:08:00 PM PST by F16Fighter
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To: onyx

YOU?? "Too shy"?? Uh-huh ;-)


142 posted on 02/16/2006 8:09:24 PM PST by F16Fighter
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To: F16Fighter
BLUSHING now.
143 posted on 02/16/2006 8:11:55 PM PST by onyx (IF ONLY 10% of Muslims are radical, that's still 120 MILLION who want to kill us.)
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To: arasina
I quit.

Good night.

144 posted on 02/16/2006 8:14:11 PM PST by F16Fighter
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To: F16Fighter

That's how it works in my house....

;-)


145 posted on 02/16/2006 8:19:37 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (If Cheney wants someone dead, he'll be dead for sure)
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To: caver
Valentine's day is not a holiday. It's a test.

For men:

The single rose in a vase isn't romantic. It's cheap. She knows it.

If your wife/girlfriend works in an office with other women, you'd better pray to God that the flowers you send are at least as large as the ones the other women get.

The women oohing over the Vermont Teddy Bear are not real women. They are a very rare race called "Wishwomen." They only exist in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and Miller Lite commercials.

Jewelry is always good for a wife. If she's not your wife, unless you're planning on making her your wife, forget jewelry.

Negligee is a good gift if you're intimate. If she's a little heavy, get a long, low cut gown. If she's thin, go for a baby doll shorty. These should be given at home, not sent to the office. Giving a negligee at home does not relieve you of the requirement to send flowers to the office.
Good places to get negligee: Victoria's Secret, upscale women's clothing stores designed for her age.

Bad places to get negligees: Fredericks of Hollywood, L. L. Bean, Motherhood Maternity.

Proper fabrics for negligee: silk, satin in red, pink, white, black or ivory.

Improper fabrics: flannel in plaid or camouflage.

Tips for women:

No matter what the ads say, if it's in the Avon catalog, we don't want it.

As long as it's worn just for your guy, there is NOTHING he considers slutty.

Negligee for you IS a gift for him.

146 posted on 02/16/2006 8:42:52 PM PST by Richard Kimball
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To: F16Fighter

g'night Pookie. ;o)


147 posted on 02/16/2006 8:47:36 PM PST by arasina (So there.)
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To: Dashing Dasher
Thanks. I never give a stuffed animal. I'm married now, so gifts are restricted to one woman (plus my daughters and my mom), but when I was single, I always thought a teddy bear as a gift made the giver look effeminate. My daughters quit wanting them at about twelve. I posted my rules for valentine giving at #146. Let me know if you see errors. I spent years compiling this list. Many lives were lost.
148 posted on 02/16/2006 9:01:29 PM PST by Richard Kimball
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To: Richard Kimball

You are a wise man. I enjoyed your rules and believe you are correct.


;-)


149 posted on 02/16/2006 9:03:47 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (If Cheney wants someone dead, he'll be dead for sure)
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To: arasina
Pookie?

I got a headache trying to pick which joke to use. Please, no pet names on my threads, huh? Get a room is right.

Yuck!
150 posted on 02/16/2006 10:03:10 PM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: Richard Kimball

Your test is accurate!


151 posted on 02/17/2006 8:10:33 AM PST by caver (Yes, I did crawl out of a hole in the ground.)
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To: Pukin Dog; arasina
Please, no pet names on my threads, huh?

Seems Puke doesn't like the use of pet names on his threads - unless of course the pertain to him.

Let's see.... what can we call Puke that's better than Puke?!? Pukie?

152 posted on 02/17/2006 3:32:32 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (If Cheney wants someone dead, he'll be dead for sure)
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To: Dashing Dasher
Oh, so now you insult the fine moniker of VF-143? We were almost friends.....
153 posted on 02/17/2006 3:38:05 PM PST by Pukin Dog (Sans Reproache)
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To: Pukin Dog

We will always be almost friends.


154 posted on 02/17/2006 3:48:37 PM PST by Dashing Dasher (If Cheney wants someone dead, he'll be dead for sure)
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To: Dashing Dasher; Pukin Dog

Pet names? Once I mispelled his name and called him Punkin. He liked that...


155 posted on 02/17/2006 4:42:51 PM PST by phantomworker ("Happiness is a state of mind, not a goal")
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To: Pukin Dog
Awesome post PD...You should try delivering furniture sometime!
Not lately, but in my youth......
156 posted on 02/20/2006 10:34:44 PM PST by FlashBack (When I grow up I wanna be a coWboy.)
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157 posted on 03/07/2006 8:42:45 AM PST by SquirrelKing (Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.)
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