Posted on 01/16/2006 2:23:26 PM PST by Ellesu
MAYOR C.RAY NAGIN'S CONTROVERSIAL NEW PLAN TO JUMPSTART THE ECONOMY OF THE CRESCENT CITY.
In a sudden, bold move similar to his ill-fated vision for a downtown casino district, Mayor Ray Nagin unveiled a new plan for the economic revitalization of the region.
“New Orleans is a Chocolate City,” Nagin declared to select members of the press who greeted him at the airport upon his return from Jamaica, where he met with officials to facilitate a cultural exchange.
The statement echoed similar comments Nagin had made to California Rep. Maxine Waters (D) during recent Congressional hearings. While most observers thought he was speaking metaphorically about the ethnic and racial makeup of the city’s residents, Nagin, it was revealed, was speaking in broader, more literal terms.
“If we turn New Orleans into a world of pure imagination,” Nagin continued, “there’s no telling what we can accomplish.”
Nagin was asked how the Chocolate City could protect flood prone areas from future storms.
“We’re talking caramel levees to withstand a category five. You know, the kind they put around apples and sell on the street at Mardi Gras. That shit’ll break your teeth. It sure as hell can take a storm surge.What part of pure imagination don’t you understand?”
Nagin credited the inspiration for the Chocolate City on what he discovered in Jamaica. Recalling a conversation he had with Jamaican leaders about the Amsterdam model for flood protection, Nagin added, “They made a damn good point. You can talk all you want about their [the Dutch’s] sophisticated dams, but you can’t underestimate the gingerbread houses.”
When asked about the feasibility of these complex plans, Nagin cited recent advances as proof of the validity of his vision.
“Who can take thin air,” Nagin asked, “and weave it into the magic of free wireless access for all? Not Cox. And that’s just a start. We’re going into Candyman mode at City Hall, and I’m not talking about the movie with the ghetto ghost."
Among the projects Nagin said are slated to make the dream a reality are affordable homes fortified with peanut brittle and raised eight to ten feet by peppermint stick pillars.
“And when we figure what they use in fruitcakes, you bet we’ll use it,” Nagin assured.
Addressing the issue of storm surge, Nagin advocated filling the Industrial Canal with fudge. “Y’all know chocolate is thicker than water.”
But the crown jewel of his vision to kick start the economy is the construction of an enormous Chocolate Factory to be built in the city’s most devastated region, the Lower 9th Ward.
“Not only will we produce and sell candy, we’re going to have all kinds of transportation devices in there,” Nagin said. “Forget boats and buses next time. We’re talking about elevators that go sideways and diagonal, high pressure tubes. And while environmental restrictions prevent us from being able to supply enough fizzy water for every resident to float on out of here in an emergency, my friends in the telecommunications industry tell me we’re not far from human miniaturization through television waves. You want to talk evacuation plans? Imagine fitting an entire residential zip code into a carry-on bag?”
Nagin also spoke of a desire to work with the coastal parishes on nurturing marshmallow marshes. “A lot of them down there see marshmallows as something you only put on a sweet potato casserole.” Nagin and his team plan to meet with top officials of the lower lying parishes to devise a feasibility plan. “If I can get the right people in a circle, I think we can hash this out.”
Much of the labor force required to sustain the Chocolate Factory, Nagin said, is already in the pipeline.
“I’ve talked with Hugo Chavez,” Nagin said. “He guarantees me a steady flow of Oompah-Loompas. And y’all know how hard they work.”
When questioned about incentives for natives New Orleanians to return to the city, Nagin said “We already got a plan for that.” Reaching into the pocket of his velvet waistcoat, he pulled out what appeared to be a candy bar. “It’s a NOLA bar,” he said, “and inside one out of every thousand is a golden ticket. Everybody who’s registered with FEMA will get a NOLA bar, and if you’re one of the lucky ones, you get to move to Uptown.”
Nagin was asked if he would be bringing in director Tim Burton to consult on the construction of the Chocolate Factory.
“Fuck, no. I said Chocolate City” Nagin replied. “I’m headed to Chicago tomorrow to talk to R. Kelly. George Clinton is already on board.”
When asked about the feasibility of the plan, and whether he could garner support at the state and federal level, Nagin again reiterated a claim he made to Congress.
“I’m protected by the truth.”
Ragin Nagin, "We will make New Orleans Red with Gansta Blood just like the good ole days!"
There's not enough nuts to go around.
I'm confused. Perhaps you can highlight which parts are satire, and which parts are real. With Nagin, it's becoming increasingly difficult to tell the difference.
LOL, actually this was written as satire a few weeks or so ago before his comments today.
With New Orleans and Clarence Ray Nagin ... and Louisiana and Gov. Memaw Blanko ... it's all satire. Let's just accept that and move on. LOL
With New Orleans and Clarence Ray Nagin ... and Louisiana and Gov. Memaw Blanko ... it's all satire. Let's just accept that and move on. LOL
True!
He is a fruitcake. If the article hadn't said he'd just returned from Jamaica I would have thought he just stepped off a plane from Amsterdam.
What do you mean next time Ray? You forgot about them the last time and people died because of it.
Okay, so maybe I missed the Satire part of the title. OOPS!
Chocolate is not very stable. Chocolate melts when heat is applied or near it. ;)
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.