Posted on 12/13/2005 8:23:00 AM PST by Mike Bates
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter and gatherers. They lived off of the deer in the mountains and forests during the summer. Then they would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. Beer was invented first, then, the wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These two inventions were the foundation of modern civilization. Together they were the catalyst for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet. So, while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were established.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbecue at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned to live off of the conservatives, by showing up for the nightly barbecue and beer bust. During the day, they did the sewing, fetching, and hair styling. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement. Some of these Liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.'
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of voting to determine how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives produce.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the elephant, the largest and most powerful land animal on Earth. And of course, Liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer, but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish and don't eat red meat. Sushi, tofu, granola, and French food are standard Liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of the Liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, group therapists, and movie stars are Liberals. And by the way, Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat red meat. They give you a day's work for a day's pay and don't expect anybody else to take care of them.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. The Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed. They created the concept of trying to get something for nothing.
Here ends today's history lesson. It should be noted that Liberals will have an uncontrollable urge to respond angrily to these historical facts instead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding them.
Yep! This says it all. Any questions?
Does this count as a "gift?"
It's all explained here ping...
I just declared as a History Major - and as such, I can attest to veracity of this information.
Verification is our friend. Thanks.
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