Annie, this is killing me and my marriage. I am ready to start a family, and I do not want Dad to have any contact with my future kids until he can get sober. I have tried the help groups and have had counselors talk to the rest of my relatives. I don't know what else to do other than to move away from my family. -- Sober Only Child
Dear Sober Only Child...What? I wasn't listening. Oh now I remember. Your father drinks because you are a horrible excuse for a child. I'd drink to if you were my kid. As a matter of fact, grab me a beer while you're up.
However, one sister refuses to participate in any activity, whether or not her husband joins us. "Bessie" always has an excuse -- she's not feeling well, it's too hot, too cold, too windy. We only have a few years left, and we would love to get her to spend more time with us. Do you have any ideas? -- Miss Her in Tampa, Fla
Dear Miss Her... Take a hint. Your sister hates you and for a good reason. You are a whiner and a controlling shrew. And no, I don't care about your "needs". Now show some concern for MY needs and get me a beer.
Dear Nanna...The dog will never get pregnant and soil the family name. The child tasted good. That's worth something. Beer me. Now.
The all-purpose answer to any question for the advice columnist: "Shut up and get me a beer!"
Dear Sober, you want to have kids when you can't even hang up on phone calls from an obnoxious old drunk? Daddy's right. Concentrate and try real hard....
Dear Sober, you want to have kids when you can't even hang up on phone calls from an obnoxious old drunk? Daddy's right, you are stupid. Hopefully, not too stupid to find my beer. Concentrate and try real hard, because I need it REAL bad....