· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
· Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it's a valuable plant.
· The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?