Posted on 10/26/2005 5:59:25 PM PDT by Mr. Blonde
Here's what I've liked so far about this season of "America's Next Top Model."
It isn't the woo-woo topless photo shoot that our burbling praying mantises enjoyed a few weeks ago and which -- despite the candy stripes on their bikini bottoms -- managed to be the least sexy thing anybody had ever seen. It isn't the self-impressed, vaguely Euro way that show producers refer to the season as "Cycle Five" and the mansion as the "House of Top Model." It isn't even the volcanic lesbian sex triangle between Kim, her invisible girlfriend and that bewildered, porpoise-footed model with the Hindenburg lips and the big-boned, beef-eating family in the hinterlands.
No. It's the backbiting. In a season stuffed with increasingly saccharine, tame and weepy reality shows, "Top Model" is one of the few that's keeping it old-school. And by old-school I mean chock-full of throat-chewing, hair-tearing, skinhead-level hatred.
First nobody in the House of Top Model could stand Nicole, because Nicole was, like, this gaping black hole of negativity who needed to complain about everything, and do it with a lot of Chapstick on. Then people hated on Lisa, whose formula for fun calls for approximately one bottle of wine per 45 minutes. But then, two weeks ago, the animosity finally started to crank up to appropriate levels. All the models were asked to reveal one deep, dark secret from the two-centimeter depths of their souls. Nik said she was afraid of the dark. Jayla also said she was afraid of the dark.
"I think Jayla stole my secret," Nik said.
Oh no she didn't. By the end of the episode, Nik was using her big, beautiful bug eyes to bore laser beams of pure ill will at Jayla's hollow sternum, and Jayla was using the confessional as a vessel for her ample stores of bile.
"You can bet," Jayla hissed, that if she and Nik spent much more time together cooped up in that hellhole filled with baby tees and free perfume, that "something is gonna go down."
Well thank the lordie that all four of our fashion wasps are still living in the House of Top Model or else I'd have to stop watching reality TV altogether. Open memo to ABC, CBS, FOX and the rest: Bring back the venom; one show can't possibly provide enough hatred to satisfy millions of Americans every single week. Please. We're bored suicidal.
Take "The Adam Carolla Project" on TLC. Even the snarky Carolla can't manage to stay crochety enough to whip up a bracing fistfight, or at least a couple of rooster-eyed chicks who waggle their necks at each other and threaten to instigate a "beat down." Instead the only conflict we get is between Carolla and a city inspector. The inspector bears a terrifying tie that would make Nik and Jayla have nightmares about bad clowns, but that's about it.
"It says it's detail No. 9 on page S-3-point-oh," the inspector droned in a recent episode. "This isn't consistent with what normal engineering would call out for."
"It's more," Carolla challenged.
"It's actually less," the inspector said.
Ooooh. Snap. Then we got to watch Carolla's wife make him lamb chops.
And please don't tell me that "Breaking Bonaduce" is supplying riveting conflict. Man vs. Everclear doesn't count.
By next season TLC will be airing a reality show in which singing nuns gaze at cloud formations and argue gently over what saints the formations look like. The winner gets to choose an undernourished, bald child with a fatal disease and the weight of the world on its concave shoulders. The bald child gets to ride in an airplane or something before he goes to be with Jesus.
Or maybe NBC will pick a series in which Amish people take turns saying nice things about Dakota Fanning. Nobody gets voted out -- too mean, see -- but instead, people will just keep joining the cast until the entire state of Pennsylvania gets to be on TV.
I'll be watching UPN, thanks. Scratch, kitties, scratch.
Heh heh heh... I like the way this person writes.
I haven't ever watched America's Next Top Model, but it is easy to see the attraction of a show like that or Real World and Laguna Beach any time the soap opera is real its great.
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