The author is unknown.
It was written by the lovable but cranky guy down at the end of every old man bar in America.
It wasn't Carlin, Rooney or Nugent. Last time I tried to figure out who the author was, it turned up the piece was (believe it or not) originally posted by.....drumroll....a Freeper on FreeRepublic. I'll dig around and see if I can find his name.