On The Light Side: Handling nosy curiosity as a single woman

http://www.amnews.com/ ^ | Tuesday October 11, 2005 | BOBBIE CURD

[teldon30]

I never thought there would be an issue about what age I decided to marry at, which now I realize you don't "decide" to marry. It should just happen. (But sometimes it is a conscious decision for some women that results as an ultimatum. That's an entirely different column.)

I'm 35 years old, never married and that makes me "single." I'm not a divorcee or a widow. I'm not dating anyone nor am I "playing the field" since the prospective greenery seems to be missing in my general vicinity.

If you're a 35-year-old woman who has substantial control over your nervous system and introduced to someone, they first ask if you are married. Some may go on to ask if you have kids (these are usually men). Sometimes they ask the latter first (these are usually men).

I don't recall being questioned about my marital status at any time during my 20s, so this is still new to me even though the peculiar line of questioning has been happening since I turned 30. And that practically did happen overnight. (My sister and best friend came to my corporate office five years ago dressed in grandmother outfits carrying a huge "Lordy she's 30" bag that they pulled items out of and individually explained. My entire business suit-clad office sat and listened to why I'd need those items now that I was old. I won't go into details, but there was some type of ointment involved. Again, another column.)

I'm not proclaiming that a politically correct term for "single" needs to be developed. It's not an insult. I'd prefer single over "Maybe should've settled on the last guy. Could be the best one I'll find. I don't know." I'm happy to tag on, "Nope, not married. I'm single," after an introduction rather than "Nope, not married. I expect perfection from men, therefore I'll be single forever since even I am not perfect."

I think the most entertaining one I've been asked after someone hears that I'm 35, single and never married is why haven't I married.

I was at a social gathering, was just politely offered a glass of wine by a man who struck up a conversation with me, and he pops up with, "So, why do you think you've never married?"

I think a little red wine came out of my nose since I'd just taken a sip and was swallowing when I snorted into laughter. It's not a question you throw out as if you're asking why I purchased a Toyota instead of a Honda.

I asked if he'd ever considered printing out an application to give women he casually meets and found interesting. I explained that he could use some multiple choice questions, such as "Choose a necessity important for a successful marriage: A) Love, B) Trust, or C) Love, trust and a prenuptial agreement." Maybe an essay question such as, "Explain your bulkiest baggage in three or less paragraphs."

You probably guessed that no meaningful romance resulted in that chance encounter.

The least entertaining question I've been asked is, "Ever been close?" Again, this wasn't coffee talk with girlfriends. Another casual acquaintance, another social setting.

My first instinct was to begin counting with my fingers and say, "Oh, yeah, well sure. There was the guy I dated for years. He proposed to me twice, two different rings, both times we were broken up. Uh huh, yeah. And there was the one I hadn't see in years, dated him in college, looked me up in the phone book, drove to my house and offered me ownership of his car while he served in the Air Force. It was only later that I found out that there was a rose, ring and a letter of proposal in the glove compartment. Boy - that souped-up sedan would've been a lot of responsibility, huh? And then ..." But no. I simply responded, "Never booked the preacher, if that's what you mean."

It's not the clear-cut answer that I'm sure a lot of people are looking for, but that's what being nosy will get you. (Tip: I usually follow that answer by engaging in a detailed explanation of how to determine a perfect cut diamond from a flawed one. It makes for a night of entertaining facial expressions coming from the man I'm talking to.)

[Serb5150]

If you knew her, you'd be thinking the same thing. Trust me.

[scott7278]

I'd be embarrassed to have a book like that in my possession. I certainly wouldn't tell anybody about it.