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On The Light Side: Handling nosy curiosity as a single woman
http://www.amnews.com/ ^ | Tuesday October 11, 2005 | BOBBIE CURD

Posted on 10/11/2005 7:43:11 PM PDT by teldon30

I never thought there would be an issue about what age I decided to marry at, which now I realize you don't "decide" to marry. It should just happen. (But sometimes it is a conscious decision for some women that results as an ultimatum. That's an entirely different column.)

I'm 35 years old, never married and that makes me "single." I'm not a divorcee or a widow. I'm not dating anyone nor am I "playing the field" since the prospective greenery seems to be missing in my general vicinity.

If you're a 35-year-old woman who has substantial control over your nervous system and introduced to someone, they first ask if you are married. Some may go on to ask if you have kids (these are usually men). Sometimes they ask the latter first (these are usually men).

I don't recall being questioned about my marital status at any time during my 20s, so this is still new to me even though the peculiar line of questioning has been happening since I turned 30. And that practically did happen overnight. (My sister and best friend came to my corporate office five years ago dressed in grandmother outfits carrying a huge "Lordy she's 30" bag that they pulled items out of and individually explained. My entire business suit-clad office sat and listened to why I'd need those items now that I was old. I won't go into details, but there was some type of ointment involved. Again, another column.)

I'm not proclaiming that a politically correct term for "single" needs to be developed. It's not an insult. I'd prefer single over "Maybe should've settled on the last guy. Could be the best one I'll find. I don't know." I'm happy to tag on, "Nope, not married. I'm single," after an introduction rather than "Nope, not married. I expect perfection from men, therefore I'll be single forever since even I am not perfect."

I think the most entertaining one I've been asked after someone hears that I'm 35, single and never married is why haven't I married.

I was at a social gathering, was just politely offered a glass of wine by a man who struck up a conversation with me, and he pops up with, "So, why do you think you've never married?"

I think a little red wine came out of my nose since I'd just taken a sip and was swallowing when I snorted into laughter. It's not a question you throw out as if you're asking why I purchased a Toyota instead of a Honda.

I asked if he'd ever considered printing out an application to give women he casually meets and found interesting. I explained that he could use some multiple choice questions, such as "Choose a necessity important for a successful marriage: A) Love, B) Trust, or C) Love, trust and a prenuptial agreement." Maybe an essay question such as, "Explain your bulkiest baggage in three or less paragraphs."

You probably guessed that no meaningful romance resulted in that chance encounter.

The least entertaining question I've been asked is, "Ever been close?" Again, this wasn't coffee talk with girlfriends. Another casual acquaintance, another social setting.

My first instinct was to begin counting with my fingers and say, "Oh, yeah, well sure. There was the guy I dated for years. He proposed to me twice, two different rings, both times we were broken up. Uh huh, yeah. And there was the one I hadn't see in years, dated him in college, looked me up in the phone book, drove to my house and offered me ownership of his car while he served in the Air Force. It was only later that I found out that there was a rose, ring and a letter of proposal in the glove compartment. Boy - that souped-up sedan would've been a lot of responsibility, huh? And then ..." But no. I simply responded, "Never booked the preacher, if that's what you mean."

It's not the clear-cut answer that I'm sure a lot of people are looking for, but that's what being nosy will get you. (Tip: I usually follow that answer by engaging in a detailed explanation of how to determine a perfect cut diamond from a flawed one. It makes for a night of entertaining facial expressions coming from the man I'm talking to.)


TOPICS: Miscellaneous
KEYWORDS: generationx; genx; oldmaid; single
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To: teldon30

Heck, people...why do they think this NOW, when movies like Gladiator become Chick Flicks?????????


61 posted on 10/12/2005 7:56:26 AM PDT by Alkhin (Let all the earth keep silence.)
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To: grellis

BTW I love your tag line!! rofl!!!


62 posted on 10/12/2005 7:57:24 AM PDT by Alkhin (Let all the earth keep silence.)
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To: Alkhin

Gotta quiver full of nice, sharp arrows all packed and ready to go!


63 posted on 10/12/2005 8:05:30 AM PDT by grellis (Coming in September 2006! SURVIVOR: MORDOR)
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To: JLO; rintense

A friend of mine was a first time bride at 46. A few weeks before her wedding, she droppped off a box of books on my front porch while I was at work. The box contained books with titles like:

"How to marry the rich"
"Finding your perfect guy"
"Men are like fish; learn how to catch yours"

AND MY FAVORITE.....

"If I'm so Wonderful, why am I still single?"


Long story short... I threw the box away. Oh, and we are no longer friends.

;-)


64 posted on 10/12/2005 8:36:17 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher ( Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.)
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To: Dashing Dasher
I gotta question?????

I am married but was sitting here thinking

why is it OK for nuns to never marry but not other women? Is it because if they are single they are to remain pure? and if they can't remain pure to marry? I can't think of another reason why single women get such a hard time..
the world has been populated the way God wanted us to....whats the question?
65 posted on 10/12/2005 9:18:41 AM PDT by PaulaB (The Clock Is Ticking....Listen To Your Heart)
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To: Dashing Dasher
"Men are like fish; learn how to catch yours"

with a hook..something slimy..and alot of patience???
66 posted on 10/12/2005 9:20:56 AM PDT by PaulaB (The Clock Is Ticking....Listen To Your Heart)
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To: PaulaB

Ask my mother...

She's still reeling over the fact that I'm not married.

Don't care - neither is she.... she's divorced.

I always tell people I skipped my starter marriage. But, they DO ask - ALL the time!


67 posted on 10/12/2005 9:22:24 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher ( Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.)
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To: PaulaB

No kidding - it's a book!

Check Amazon - there are probably 100s of books preying on women's insecurity. What a bunch of bull.

If I was to write one, it would be about living everyday of your life fully - and not waiting around for Mr. Right. If you are doing what you want to do everyday - you'll find each other. If you are staying home reading books about being miserable - you won't.

IMHO


68 posted on 10/12/2005 9:26:24 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher ( Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.)
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To: Dashing Dasher
No doubt...well said

I told my hubby if something ever happens to him ..I would never marry again but live in a little spot on the lake with a few cats
I sure wouldn't be dating or reading about men ;(
69 posted on 10/12/2005 9:29:18 AM PDT by PaulaB (The Clock Is Ticking....Listen To Your Heart)
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To: Dashing Dasher
AND MY FAVORITE..... "If I'm so Wonderful, why am I still single?"

One of the biggest b*tches I've ever met in my life owned that book. I was absolutely stunned... she thought she was wonderful?

70 posted on 10/12/2005 11:03:53 AM PDT by Serb5150
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To: Serb5150

Could you imagine if someone gave it to you as a 'gift'?


71 posted on 10/12/2005 11:36:29 AM PDT by Dashing Dasher ( Or you can crawl from the rubble and slowly rebuild.)
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To: PaulaB; Dashing Dasher
Paula, Paula, Paula,

You should know by now that there isn't a big difference between a nun and a married woman.
72 posted on 10/12/2005 12:32:41 PM PDT by Maximus of Texas (Pull my finger)
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To: Maximus of Texas
Sweetie...I was referring to a nun and

and UNmarried woman

but I am sure there are days when my hubby

wonders if I've joined the nunnery and

we are not catholic ;)
73 posted on 10/12/2005 12:38:14 PM PDT by PaulaB (The Clock Is Ticking....Listen To Your Heart)
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To: sarasmom
I completely agree. I found her attitude snobbish, and possibly repellant. Any good man would want to know if she is married... 1) to formulate an appropriate behavior pattern, and 2) possible interest. Asking someone why they aren't married (especially when one is in their 30's) is fair game as well, especially because most of the time it leads to interesting in depth conversations, the kind that lead to friendships or better.

Cheers,
CSG

74 posted on 10/12/2005 1:09:54 PM PDT by CompSciGuy ("A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Winston Churchill)
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To: rintense
Call me a prude, but I don't want 'just any guy'.

You will be all the more blessed with that attitude. I have people ask me all the time, "Why aren't you married yet?"

My answer (the wording varies): "I'll get married when I find the right woman, and not a moment before."

75 posted on 10/12/2005 2:56:02 PM PDT by scott7278 (You tryin' to flex on me? Don't be silly.)
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To: Serb5150
I was absolutely stunned... she thought she was wonderful?

That might be the problem.

76 posted on 10/12/2005 3:00:12 PM PDT by scott7278 (You tryin' to flex on me? Don't be silly.)
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To: teldon30

It's fairly simple to determine whether someone of the opposite sex is single or not. First, check for a wedding ring. Second, try a small bit of flirting - the response to this stimuli generally provides the most data. Third, just keep your ears open - usually if someone is sharing their life with someone, it's going to be impossible for them to discuss recent events without mention of that person.

Regards, Ivan


77 posted on 10/12/2005 3:01:56 PM PDT by MadIvan (You underestimate the power of the Dark Side - http://www.sithorder.com/)
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To: grellis
Following that logic, I shouldn't have been slightly annoyed when my uncle recently asked, "So Mandy, are you ever gonna get married?"

I smiled sweetly and said probably not. I'm NOT looking for a husband... I'm looking for a man that wants to be my lifelong companion.

78 posted on 10/12/2005 3:18:47 PM PDT by PurVirgo (I like my 'Rita with Patron, thank you.)
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To: PurVirgo
First, slightly annoyed is a bit different than what this woman did. After your uncle posed his question, did you put pen to pape and let the diatribe begin?

Second, it is just possible that--in a less than tactful way--your uncle was taking an interest in your life. When a question like this comes up, just roll with it--give an honest answer, as you did. Maybe thank the questioner for their interest (chances are, that'll really put them off!). A lot of my relatives aren't too happy with my choice to leave college after two semesters, but I'm satisfied with the decision I made, so I just don't sweat the judgement. It's kind of nice to know that my aunts and uncles--whom I see only once every five or six years--remember something about me, other than "Aren't you Frank's kid, the one who never shut up?"

79 posted on 10/12/2005 4:22:18 PM PDT by grellis (Coming in September 2006! SURVIVOR: MORDOR)
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To: grellis
LOL I never thought of it that way!

for what it's worth, I get the "kid who wouldn't shut up" question every now and again also =)

80 posted on 10/12/2005 5:36:08 PM PDT by PurVirgo (I like my 'Rita with Patron, thank you.)
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