DAVE ALLEN: Good evening. Now a lot of people as me, why is it that, as I sit here, I am frequently seen brushing my trouser leg. And the answer is, because I drink my whiskey diluted... with vodka. And in the course of the evening I see the little fellows climbing up my trouser leg and what I'm doing is brushing them off.
And uh, I went to a psychiatrist about it, and I said, "I have to keep brushing the little fellows off." And he said, "Well there's three things I want you to do. One is relax more, the second thing is to cut down on your drinking, and the third thing is to stop brushing the little perishes all over me.
A little Jewish story about a couple of Jews who were walking down the street and...
FROM THE AUDIENCE: Leave Jewish people alone. Leave us alone.
DAVE ALLEN: There were two Pakistanis walking down the street, in Golders Green, and they went into their synagogue, and one Pakistani said to the other...
FROM THE AUDIENCE: "I am a Pakistani and I have more brains in my little finger than I have in the rest of my body. Leave us Pakistanis alone."
DAVE ALLEN: Uh. I'll tell you a story about my own race. Two Irish fellas, one of them bought a paper shop and it blew away. The other Irishman went to see a dentist to have a wisdom tooth put in.
FROM THE AUDIENCE: "Shut your mouth." "You tell him Pat." "What kind of a man has two Christian names and no surname?" "An idiot, that's what."
DAVE ALLEN: Are there any Chinese in? Once upon a time there were two Chinamen. Now look how many there are. These Chinese are not very bright you know...
FROM THE AUDIENCE: (cursing at him in Chinese)
Audience members start throwing things at him. Four production staff walk behind him, blocking things from hitting the stage.
DAVE ALLEN: Right, I'll tell you a mythical story about a race who don't even exist. I'll tell you a fairy story. There were these four fairies...
FOUR PRODUCTION STAFF: "What if we are, you nasty..." "Why don't you leave us alone?" (the four start hitting Dave Allen)
DAVE ALLEN: (sitting alone on the stage) My God!
A piece of lighting equipment falls on the stage beside him.
DAVE ALLEN: (looks up) I'm sorry!
Okay, I was just going to log off and saw the Benny Hill stuff. Priceless. I start laughing the second his face comes on the screen, and I don't stop until he leaves. Half the time I don't even know what I'm laughing at!! You must be in the business, or you have one heck of a joke file handy. Thanks again (do you do any Soupy Sales?)