Abbott & Costello buy a computer

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[Squawk 8888]

DISCLAIMER: You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT...

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a licence to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a licence to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later...)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".

[familyop]

Oh, and here's a quick-and-sloppy (although it should work)--a couple of stooges for you to get acquainted with.

;-)

---

#include <iostream>
using namespace std;

class Stooge {
public:
       Stooge();
       ~Stooge();
       void oughtas();
       void nyuks();
};

Stooge::Stooge(){}
Stooge::~Stooge(){}

void Stooge::oughtas()
{
       cout << "Why I oughta!" << endl;
}

void Stooge::nyuks()
{
       cout << "Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!" << endl;
}

int main()
{
       Stooge Moe;
       Stooge Curly;

       Moe.oughtas();
       Curly.nyuks();
}

[PatrickHenry]

'm afraid you've got me stumped ...

Yeah, me too. But thanks for pondering it. I can always use my secretary's machine when I need a spreadsheet. Otherwise, I've got Excel, but I never thought it was worth the bother of learning a new program when I already had one that worked just fine for my needs. I may need to rethink that.

[Squawk 8888]

But some of us are nerds forever

Yep, that's me. I've been a nerd since I was four. My "young whippersnappers" tirades at the office are legendary. A lot of programmers are convinced that I'm full of BS because they're certain that a computer with 16 bytes of RAM, 16 bytes of PROM (128 toggle switches), 8-byte input register (8 toggle switches) and an 8-byte output display (8 light bulbs) cannot possibly be programmed to play chess.

[Squawk 8888]

I sent that to the IT guys at our HQ in the States. Our tech VP is now seriously concerned for their mental health.

[familyop]

"I sent that to the IT guys at our HQ in the States. Our tech VP is now seriously concerned for their mental health."

LOL! Thanks. That's good to know. I purposely wrote it that way so that it can easily be added to. Tell 'em to upgrade it and pass it around. Add Larry and maybe some more data for each of 'em. Split it into the usual files when it's big enough. It's now free for whatever use.