Posted on 03/24/2005 12:12:42 PM PST by TXBSAFH
EMPLOYER SPEAK:what it says/what it means...
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION You'll make under $7 an hour.
ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY You'll make under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
AN UP-AND COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance we'll be the next Mircosoft.
PROFIT-SHARING PLAN Once the higher-ups share it, there won't be a profit.
COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
IMMEDIATE OPENING The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
SALES POSTITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER We're not going to supply leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
SELF-MOTIVATED Management won't answer questions.
WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $50 co-pay.
PENSION/RETIREMENT BENEFITS After three years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k). If you behave, we'll give a 3 percent matching contribution.
SEEKING ENTHUSIASTIC, FUN, HARD WORKING PEOPLE ... who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We don't pay enough for you to dress well; a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT We have a high staff turnover.
EXCITING AND PROFESSIONAL WORK ENVIRONMENT Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and weekends on yachts.
JOIN OUR DYNAMIC TEAM We all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
FUN WORK ENVIRONMENT Your co-workers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A DRUG-FREE WORK ENVIRONMENT We booze it up at company parties.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
SOME PUBLIC RELATIONS REQUIRED If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.
SALARY RANGE $24K-$32K We'll offer you $22K to start.
A HIGHLY VISIBLE POSITION You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
FLEXIBLE HOURS Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.
DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.
WHERE EMPLOYEES FEEL VALUED Those who missed the last round of lay-offs, that is.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.
COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like Philosophy, English or Religion.
CAREER-MINDED Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON If you're old or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE We've filled the job; our call for resumés is a formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates; you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD You whine, you're fired.
ASPIRATIONS FOR GROWTH WITHIN OUR COMPANY We loooooove brown nosers.
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmkay???
I had my escape route all set to avoid his nasty stank breath. Yuck!
I love that movie.
The accuracy of these definitions is staggering.
Cute.
I use to work for... I 've Been Meeting....
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.