I don't think I saw the memo about this.
Friday Silliness Thread Ping!
Bunga-bunga!
Owl_Eagle
"You know, I'm going to start thanking
the woman who cleans the restroom in
the building I work in. I'm going to start
thinking of her as a human being"-Hillary Clinton
(Yes, she really said that
Peggy Noonan
The Case Against Hillary Clinton, pg 55)
I don't think I saw the memo about this.
Thanks! I needed that.
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad
day, and you just need to take it out on someone -
don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I had forgotten to make. I found the number,
and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely
said, "This is Fred, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
He replied "Wrong number a$$hole" and the phone was
slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called
her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her
phone number.) After hanging up with her, I decided
to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy
answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and I hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'a$$hole'
next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every
couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!" It
always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my
therapeutic 'a$$hole' calling would have to stop.
So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John
Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling
to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled,
"NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said,
"That's because you're an a$$hole!"
So, one day I was at the grocery store, getting
ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a
black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited
for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window,
so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the
first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial), I
thought I had better call the BMW a$$hole, too. I
dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this
the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a
yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an a$$hole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial. Now, when I had a problem, I had two
a$$holes to call.
But after several weeks of calling them, it wasn't
as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an
idea: I called A$$hole #1. "Hello?"
"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up).
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed.
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you? " he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"I live at 1802 West 34th Street, A$$hole, a yellow
house with my black BMW parked in front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you
had better start saying your prayers. "
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole."
Then I called a$$hole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello A$$hole," I said.
He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance!
I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street and I
was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war
going down on West 34th Street I quickly got into my
car and headed over to 34th St.
There, I saw two a$$holes beating the crap out of
each other in front of six squad cars, a police
helicopter, and a TV news crew.
Now, I feel better... Masquerading as a normal person, day after day,
is exhausting.