Some of my favorite Steven Wright quotes:
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you?'
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
HOw soon before you can drink it?..Is that what they call "neat" beer, or is it "near" beer?
bttt
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