Look, if you're on the level here, I feel for you. If you really don't have anyone to talk to, do as suggested in post 26 - call around and find a pastor to talk with you. You are not going to get the in-depth help you need here by posts from strangers. This is a serious life issue and you're only get to get superficial discussion here from people who really don't understand you, you wife or what's going on with you. Seriously.