I feel very much like I'm one of the only people here staring the camel directly in the eye. A man wants help growing up and describes how he is lacking in maturity in some detail, and I post some advice, which, if taken, will result in a modicum of self-discipline.
Others here have disregarded this man's cry for instruction and replaced it with all kinds of notions about his wife's unreasonableness. They have taken the camel and replaced it with a skunk. And make no mistake, these people reek of misogyny. For they are jumping all over the wife in spite of the husband's admissions of failure.
I do feel sorry for them, because their posts betray great bitterness, but at the same time, they aren't addressing the poster's admissions of failure and cries for help in a sincere way, and their cynicism cannot be constructive...for they are urging the man to blame the state of his marriage on his wife. Even if they are correct, this is no solution to the problem, because he cannot change her. If the cynics are right, and if the man wants to save his marriage, the only shred of hope he has left is to change himself into a responsible, mature adult. He can't change his wife. His only hope in light of this possible scenario is that she will want to change herself once she sees his transformation.
And if the cynics are wrong, he knows that he needs to change anyway. So why not help the guy learn some discipline and grow up, for Pete's sake? Why encourage him to blame his wife? Why not encourage him to lead her out of their morass by example? It happens all the time! It can be done!
....For they are jumping all over the wife in spite of the husband's admissions of failure.....
A husband's failure would include whoring around; inability to provide for the family; staying out with the boy's getting drunk; total sloviness; inability to care about his wife and child; total stupidity in his personal relations with others.
Not taking out the garbage is not one of those marriage threatening events, and certainly not of a stature to have his wife constantly tell him that she'd going to divorce him because of garbage.
That's not this guy's problem. His problem is that he's been so "pu##y whipped that anything he doesn't do (and probably alot of what he does do) is seen as totally inadequate by his domineering spouse. Yeah, spouse, 'cause most of the time it's the other way around where the man is in the domineering driverseat.
This guy's gotta look himself in the mirror, and be able to say, "I am a good person" To now, the bitch has taken that pride away from him. (This could work in the total opposite gender.)
He'll never find his marriage until he finds himself, and that doesn't mean that he's gotta put on his kneepads and kneel at her begging forgiveness and saying I'm sorry over and over. Screw that, let's get this marriage back on an even playing field.
Let's allow them to get to enjoy their good memories to re-build what they once had. For some that may mean bringing religion into their lives, for many of us, religion makes no difference in their interpersonal relationship with their spouse.
Good luck to this guy. I hope that the diverse opinions expressed, some in jest, some very serious, on this thread help to allow this guy to get his chin off the sink, and look himself squarely in the mirror, and say -"What is it that I truly want in my life?" I'm sure it will include his son, maybe his wife, but he will never make a life for himself until he can honestly face himself in his own reality, not in his wife's wantabee.
Hmmm. Should I address you as "they," or are you the aphorism fairy?
The reason his paradigm is being discounted, much like your own, is it fails to recognize the reactions are not commensurate to the offences. In fact, you seem to be studiously avoiding that point. This indicates to me the dynamic is not what he thinks it is.
One can take it at face value faithful moslems get to spend the rest of eternity whoring around with their own personal harem, or one can ask the more trenchant question "why is such behaviour permitted there, but prohibited here?".
Even if they are correct, this is no solution to the problem, because he cannot change her.
Wrong. I'm still married today because I was able to convince my wife she was judging me by my actions, and herself by her intentions. If this man does *nothing* you have a point. But my experience is that's seldom the case. More often, she has a script in her head, and he's suppose to follow it. The things he does usually aren't even on her script, so he gets no credit for them.