If You Suspect You Might Have A Drinking Problem (An Open Letter)

I have written this to describe my experiences of the past 14 months as I have worked to resolve my drinking problem. Everyone is different and I do not propose to be an expert on this topic, but I have my own personal experience and I am sharing it in the hope that it might help someone else to solve this problem and change their life.

I have now been sober for 14 months without a drop of alcohol. This is not a long time as compared to over 25 years of heavy drinking, but I also know something else: I am totally confident that I will never drink again.

In that 14 months I have made it through two football tailgating seasons, over a hundred business lunches and dinners, numerous trips to Germany where beer flows like water, parties, picnics, Super Bowls, a Caribbean cruise, several family vacations, ups and down in life, etc. All things that I thought “required” alcohol.

Fortunately, I did not have some event that caused me to hit “rock bottom”. (I could have had many rock bottoms but I was lucky). Some people need to lose their job, lose their family, kill or seriously injure someone in a car accident, end up in prison, or many other horrible things that alcohol (or drugs) can cause in order to gather the will to quit. Some people think that “bottom” is the only thing that can make a drinker quit for good. I have met many people who proved to me that this is false, you can make such a decision without going through the horrors. But in some ways it is tougher to take the first step.

In every other way, it is much easier to skip the “rock bottom” step and I hope that this letter helps at least one other person to avoid the lost job, lost marriage or prison route to sobriety.

Last October, I made a firm decision to quit and I followed through on that commitment. But I wouldn’t be honest if I didn’t admit that I had similarly tried to control my drinking or quit at least 100 times before.

Why was I able to quit this time as compared with the previous 100 attempts? This is a very good question. The only answer I have come up with as to is that this time I was really ready to quit for myself alone. I was truly 100% sick and tired of the way alcohol affected me and I wanted a different life. All the other times I was, in some way, not really ready to control my drinking. The bottle was still in charge. I tried many tactics: I’d only drink on weekends, only drink after 5pm, only drink at parties (almost anything can become a party in such a plan), only drink beer, only drink wine, only drink hard liquor, only drink things I didn’t like the taste of (I know it sounds nuts but I was nuts), only drink every other week, quit for a day, quit for a weekend, quit for a week, quit for “this vacation or event”. I tried every way to quit in the world to stop drinking except the way that eventually worked for me.

If you are reading this and you know someone that has a drinking problem and you want to help them, you must understand that you are at a severe disadvantage. This is a condition of the mind more than a condition of the body and it is nearly impossible to bring another person to a mental place where they can admit that alcohol is causing more pain in their life than the pleasure it brings. Because a drinker can hardly imagine life without alcohol. It is with us at many points of our thinking and decision making process. We make plans around alcohol and drinking, not all of the time but enough.

If this does not sound like you at this point but you still think you might have a problem, I am not going to tell you that you are OK with your drinking, I will only say that you don’t have the same problem that I was facing so my experience may be of little value to you. I do know people who can go for long periods with nothing at all, then they “binge” and drink to pass out. This is obviously a problem, but not the problem that I have experience with. For 25 years I drank to excess. I often did not get "drunk" but I was always under the influence. For many of those years I drank daily, sometimes starting at 6am and going till 2am the next night. I am not proud of this but it is the truth.

As a problem drinker, you probably associate most of the “fun” you have in life with alcohol in some portion and are worried that without alcohol you will become a dull, bored person with no joy in life. You probably think that there are some things where you will always have to drink to enjoy. I know I worried about that, and I can assure you it is false. You will enjoy life more when you quit, at least that has been my experience. Even that Caribbean cruise and college football tailgating.

I first started drinking in High School. I don’t feel that it is necessary to recount the whole story but I drank to blackout on a number of incidences. Other times I just got really drunk and did stupid things that put my life at risk. I drove many times when I had no business on the road, and it would not have taken much to have had a series of events happen that would have changed my life for the worse. In college, I made good grades at a top Engineering school, while drinking heavily. It was a joke that I would study with a bottle of Jim Beam next to my desk.

As I got into the business world, and specifically into sales, drinking is a daily part of business life. At least that’s what a drinker thinks. And for people who do not have a problem controlling it, drinking is a wonderful part of life. The occasional party or business dinner and a few social drinks to move the business forward are great. But I was never able to do that—for me it was five, ten, fifteen drinks. Into the late hours, with not enough sleep, feeling like crap the next morning when I should have been at my best. Then repeating the same behavior each night. And I was very successful, and I thought drinking was part of the success.

I rationalized that with my talent, the drinking was part of who I am, and that even at 50% I was still more capable than most others so it wasn’t necessary to control myself.

I know this is getting long so I’ll get to the point: One Friday last October I was driving down the road. I hadn’t had a drink in two days and was in one of my “quit drinking the rest of the week” attempts. Rush Limbaugh announced that he was going to a Rehab Center for his drug addiction to resolve his problem. This for some reason got through to me. I called two people that I am close with and told them that I was not going to drink one drop of alcohol until Rush came out of treatment. (Telling these people I had made this decision helped me).

I told myself that after thirty days, I would decide whether I would drink again in a more controlled manner or stop completely. I did not have the luxury of taking the time off from work to enter treatment, but since Rush was going in, he was in there for both of us.

I did not attend AA (although I will talk about AA later) but I was clearly at the first step of their program. It is a very simple concept:

I admitted that I had a drinking problem and that I wanted to do something about it. I can tell you that if you are really at that point then you can fix yourself. If you are not at that step, then there is nothing that anyone can do to help you and I hope that you stay alive, and intact until you reach that point.

After about a week of sobriety, I stopped thinking about alcohol very much. I threw myself into work and tried to start losing weight as well. By the second week I made the decision: “I WILL NEVER DRINK AGAIN” and I wrote that in my journal. I recognized that a bottle of booze is an inanimate object that is simply poison to me and that it cannot force itself into my body. I have the control over whether I use my arms to bring the poison to my lips. And I choose not to allow that to happen ever again.

I have noticed that there is an inner “voice” that I have (he stays fairly silent now) that in the beginning used to put thoughts in my mind like: “surely you can just have one, you’ve been good”, “it’s a beautiful Fall Day, surely you could just do the social drink”, “you’re in the Caribbean for Gods’ sakes, shouldn’t you at least have one Margarita to celebrate your sobriety”. When my mind lets the inner voice talk, I quickly reassert control and think about the serenity that I have found since I quit drinking.

I need to stop writing now, the family is waking up, but I will write another letter tomorrow morning which describes these 14 months and what other tactics I have used in my sobriety.

I hope that this helps at least one other soul out there. Feel free to post questions or suggestions.

Many thanks and congratulations to you, Rob! I'm extremely happy for you. Also appreciate that you posted your story. Though I'd often wondered if this or that FReeper might be sober, I had NO idea I was in so much good company!
And yes, I am an alcoholic. Am happy and grateful to report that I've been continuously sober in AA since September 10, 1970. Best decision I EVER made in my life. But I know full well that without all of the wonderful support and knowledge I gained through my program, there isn't a chance I would have been able to stay the course.
For any of you that may not know, may I assure you that there IS life after sobriety. Happy, fulfilling, joyful life, I might add. Have the same problems I would have had if I hadn't been alcoholic. Difference is, I've been taught how to live through them without alcohol or drugs in my system. Not a bad deal from my perspective. Not a bad deal at all.
Oops, nearly forgot. Lest any of you think I'm 496 years old, I got sober at age 22. I'll let you do the math > smile.

They'll go so far as to put a drink in front of me. They think I'm acting strange when I decline. I don't get invited on the next fishing trip or whatever. ....can I give you my view of that?

I've been a bartender for more years than I like to say. Actually on of the first few women that was allowed to join the bartender union in Mich., which is beside the point.
I have seen many friends do this to their friends who did not want a drink and I believe they do this to you because you can do what they can't and are afraid to do themselves. Also, if you are sober, you can see what a$$e$ they make of themselves when they get drunk so you are viewed as an outsider. If you drink with them you become one of them not an outsider.
I have talked to many drunk people after the crowd went home and before the bar closed at 2:30 AM and true feelings come out then. Many are truly lonely and know their addiction pushes their family away, but find it impossible to give the bottle up.
I had one very nice quite man who sat at my bar nightly and just stared ahead while he drank but said nothing. He said to me one night " Caroline, you know why I just sit and stare ahead and I said I didn't and he continued, "I see a skull and cross bones on every one of those bottles on your bar. I know their going to kill me someday and I'm just wondering why I can't stop before they do".

Sad thing is I never saw him again and don't know if it did kill him! I'd like to think he finally stopped.

I drink at home due to boredom and loneliness, I also smoke like a chimney for the same reasons. Fortunately my drinking isn't yet excessive but it has still convinced me to give up several of my favorite activities in order to accomodate the drinking and stay at the house where life is comfortable...........

Alcohol has not really adversely impacted my life but after reading what I just typed.............. I guess it has.

I don't have an answer yet.............

Wonderful piece Rob and many thanks for writing and posting it for us.

As you can see- there are more of us "out there" than you'd ever think.

Since my father died from his alcoholism I feel especially blessed to be alive and sober. 22 years ago I found myself in an AA meeting- and have been sober since. I was 28 years old, and couldn't imagine a day, let alone a week without a drink. For me AA was the way home.

For anyone who is having those little niggling doubts or questions in the back of your mind, I encourage you to go to a few open AA meetings in your area and listen.

Not only is there life after sobriety- it is by far a better thing I EVER dreamed it would be:)

Thanks again Rob!

My husband stopped drinking 20 yrs ago in November. I know you did it for yourself but after 13 yrs of living with him I told him enough was enough, I had already gone to Al-Anon for 3 yrs and I realized I was going to go crazy if he kept drinking and the only way I could see of getting rid of the problem was to run away.

He swore he'd go to AA but the night of the meeting he literally begged me not to make him go. I just told him that it was his choice but if he ever drank again just don't come home, don't call me, don't write me and never talk to me again. Well, somehow he managed to stay sober even with all his alcoholic friends and it has been a wonderful 20 yrs.

Then my son became a teenager and lo and behold he was an alcoholic. Having lived through it with my husband didn't make it any easier, in fact I think it was harder because he was my child. I just didn't know how to handle it. I talked to him, prayed for him, was happy that he had found a good woman and eventually had 2 children and between us we kept him on a short leash but alcoholics will drink any chance they get and I don't know how many times his wife called me crying.

I tried to get her to go to Al-Anon but she wouldn't and she used me to lean on but she wasn't ready to do the hard work. One day she called me crying and I lost it. I told her to take the kids and leave. Sometime, a few months later she took my advice and took off and stayed away for a week then she came home madder than a wet hen. She dropped her kids at my house and went home and gave him the ultimatum and after living w/o his family for a week he was ready to listen. Except for one incident 4 yrs into sobriety, he's been sober for 8 yrs.

I know it was hard for both of them but they did it and I'm so proud of both of them. They aren't carrying on the family legacy and they know they don't have to.

SamAdams76

Congratulations to you. And you are right about addictions, it doesn't matter what a person is chained to because it always leads to the same thing, it steals away your life and often to those closest to you. God Bless you and continued success.

kanawa

I too used a Hazelden book for the first 5 years, they put out some wonderful stuff. The book I carried with me everywhere was, "24 Hours A Day", a.k.a The Little Black Book. Very Helpful.

Jeff Head

"There is another inner voice, the voice of the Spirit of God who can and will help you"

That bares repeating. When I finally became willing to open myself to God's voice my struggle ceased. And I have to thank AA for helping me find that path.

xcamel

Thanks for the FReepmail.

Good stuff all!

Thanks for the ping, willieroe.

Rob, congratulations!!

I've known Bill W. for twenty -one years, eleven months and nineteen days, one day at a time.
In my case, AA saved my life.
I had to lose everything I had including my wife, kids, home and job before I would admit that I was powerless over alcohol.
I was in the process of trying to kill myself when a kind, loving woman intervened and AA came to my rescue.
I was literally carried to my first AA meeting in Singapore, and two weeks later God lifted that burden off my shoulders. That sweet, clean wind that Bill W. speaks of, blew through my soul, and the desire to drink has never returned.

There's been LOTS of good advice given on this thread, and I'll add just a little more:

Drinking to an alcoholic is not the problem, any more than the temperature of a person with the flu is the problem.
Drinking is only a symptom of the problem. Only when the drinking stops can one work on the real problems.

Any attempt to blame genetics or childhoods or physical predispositions or allergies or anything else, is a cop-out. Alcoholics drink because they want to drink, and if they can find anything or anyone to blame for their misery, they will do so.

The best ally I've found for long term, happy sobriety is absolute, gut wrenching honesty with oneself.

I would enjoy being on your ping list.

"Drinking is only a symptom of the problem. Only when the drinking stops can one work on the real problems.

Any attempt to blame genetics or childhoods or physical predispositions or allergies or anything else, is a cop-out. Alcoholics drink because they want to drink, and if they can find anything or anyone to blame for their misery, they will do so.

The best ally I've found for long term, happy sobriety is absolute, gut wrenching honesty with oneself."

That's exactly how I see it, excellent, very well said, You captured it in a nutshell IMO. Rigorous self-honesty is crucial.

I found your story a familiar one. I to was in a rut with alcohol and realized I was drinking way too much but that I was really getting tired of it. I went in for a checkup and talked to my doctor and decided right then I should quit, I did. I did not have a drink for over 2 1/2 years until about three months ago when my Father had to have emergency open heart surgery. After that stressful day I had a few drinks and I discovered that I no longer really cared about booze and have now even developed a distaste for it. I don't think I will ever go back to drinking again and I tell you it feels good to be in charge totally all the time. I had friends wanting to know if I had ever considered AA but no that wasn't something I thought I needed. If you want to quit you can all it takes is the will and self discipline to do so.

TREMENDOUS DOC, ROB,

VERY, VERY WELL DONE.

THANKS TONS FOR MANY PEOPLE. Thank God, have never had even a slight drinking problem. May dring 3-4 or so glasses of wine a YEAR. Can't find a low alcohol, fruity wine I like. Would drink a glass a day if I found one I could afford. Asti Spumanti is not affordable!

Anyway--worked in alcohol counseling and it's a dreadful problem. You said it all very well.

Want to help bump this over the next week.

Blessings,

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