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A senior citizens' group charters a bus from Burlington, IA to Branson, MO.

As they entered Missouri, an elderly woman comes up to the driver and says,
"I've just been molested!" The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream.

So he tells her to go back to her seat, and sit down. A short time later, another old woman comes forward, and claims that she was just molested.

The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting those old ladies?

About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.

The bus driver decides that he'd had enough, and pulls into the first rest area. When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?" says the bus driver.

"I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times,
but every time I grab it, it runs away.

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
4. Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
5. Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
6. Dogs don't criticize your friends.
7. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
8. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh
at how you throw).
9. Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know
the most important thing is that you're together.
10. Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
11. You can train a dog.
12. Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.
13. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
14. Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
15. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the
*really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a
vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
16. Dogs understand what "no" means.
17. Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
18. Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.
19. Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.
20. Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
21. You can house train a dog.
22. You can force a dog to take a bath.
23. Dogs don't correct your stories.
24. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger
owner.
25. Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.
26. Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.
27. Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.
28. Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.
29. Dogs admit it when they're lost.
30. Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.
31. Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.
32. Dogs take care of their own needs.
33. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
34. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
35. Dogs are nice to your relatives.

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both are threatened by their own kind.
4. Both like to chew wood.
5. Both mark their territory.
6. Both are bad at asking you questions.
7. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
8. Both tend to smell riper with age.
9. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
10. Both have an inordinate fascination with women.s crotches.
11. Neither does any dishes.
12. Both fart shamelessly.
13. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
14. Both like dominance games.
15. Both are suspicious of the postman.
16. Neither knows how to talk on the telephone.
17. Neither understands what you see in cats.

WHY MEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS

1. Men only have two feet to track in mud.
2. Men can buy you presents.
3. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you take them
around the block.
4. Men are a little bit more subtle.
5. Men don't eat cat turds on the sly.
6. Men open their own cans.
7. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
8. Men can do math stuff.
9. Holiday Inns accept men.

An American, a Canadian, and a Frenchman were caught making liquor in Saudi Arabia, and sentenced to forty lashes.

They tied up the Canadian and said, "You are allowed one request before we begin."

"Put a pillow on my back."

The pillow lasted only ten lashes, and they carried him off bloody and screaming.

They tied up the Frenchman and said, "You are allowed one request before we begin."

"Put a two pillows on my back."

The pillows lasted only twenty lashes, and they carried him off bloody and screaming.

They brought in the American and said, "because you are an important ally and defended us from Sadaam, we will give you two requests."

The American said, "in the spirit of fairness, I only want one request."

The Saudis were impress with his courage and integrity. "Very well, then, what is your request?"

"Put the Frenchman on my back.