Where do you go to get certified?
Go to the nearest river. Throw your shoes and clothes in a pile near a tree. Wade in (do not dive unless you know there are no stumps), swim awhile, then stand in the wqater with your feet in the mud and drink some ice cold beers.
Then grab a handful of mud and rub it on your chest and yell loudly, "I am a Ceritified River Rat". At that point you can use the muddy water to wash the mud off your chest.
Then get out of the water, get dressed, and drive your BMW back home.
He gets that way when he stands in wqater.