Songs so bad they're on a list all their own

Houston Chronicle ^ | April 20, 2004, 4:05PM | CLIFFORD PUGH

[Houmatt]

We're a nation of lists. Best dressed. Worst dressed. Fattest cities. Fittest cities. Hottest couples. Baddest break-ups. The greatest and worst movies, television shows, videos, DVDs and albums of all time.

Heck, VH1 has even compiled the "top 9 Jen's." Aniston, Lopez and Garner lead the list (guess they couldn't locate a 10th).

But no one has compiled the 50 worst songs ever -- until now.

Blender, a heretofore little-known music magazine, has garnered a boatload of attention this week with its list of really bad rock-era tunes. According to an advance copy of the article, which is in the May issue (on newsstands April 27), the selected songs have "crap-tastic" melodies, were wretchedly performed or make no sense whatsoever.

Or perhaps they simply evoked bad memories for the magazine's editors.

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City -- or No. 33, Aqua's Barbie Girl ("I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world. Life in plastic, it's fantastic!")?

OK, so maybe Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, the Stevie Wonder/Paul McCartney duet Ebony and Ivory, Ricky Martin's She Bangs and Celine Dion's love theme from Titanic, My Heart Will Go On, deserve their rankings (Nos. 5, 10, 39 and 50, respectively).

But it's hard to take a list seriously that includes Simon & Garfunkel's Sounds of Silence (No. 42), REM's Shiny Happy People (No. 35) and the Beatles' Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da (No. 48) -- but excludes the Macarena.

And what, no Barry Manilow?

Check out the full list and see if you agree with any of the choices.

And if you're really a glutton for punishment, tune in on May 12 to hear the VH1 special, The 50 Most Awesomely Bad Songs Ever.

Blender Magazine's list of the 50 Worst Songs Ever:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985

2. Achy Breaky Heart ... Billy Ray Cyrus ... 1992

3. Everybody Have Fun Tonight ... Wang Chung ... 1986

4. Rollin' ... Limp Bizkit ... 2000

5. Ice Ice Baby ... Vanilla Ice ... 1990

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985

9. American Life ... Madonna ... 2003

10. Ebony and Ivory ... Paul McCartney, Stevie Wonder ... 1982

11. Invisible ... Clay Aiken ... 2003

12. Kokomo ... The Beach Boys ... 1988

13. Illegal Alien ... Genesis ... 1983

14. From a Distance ... Bette Midler ... 1990

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995

16. What's Up? ... 4 Non Blondes ... 1993

17. Pumps and a Bump ... Hammer ... 1994

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984

19. Broken Wings ... Mr. Mister ... 1985

20. Dancing on the Ceiling ... Lionel Richie ... 1986

21. Two Princes ... Spin Doctors ... 1992

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984

24. Five for Fighting ... Superman ... 2000

25. I'll Be Missing You ... Puff Daddy featuring Faith Evans and 112 ... 1997

26. The End ... The Doors ... 1967

27. The Final Countdown ... Europe ... 1987

28. Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

29. Breakfast at Tiffany's ... Deep Blue Something ... 1995

30. Greatest Love of All ... Whitney Houston ... 1986

31. Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm ... Crash Test Dummies ... 1994

32. Will 2K ... Will Smith ... 1999

33. Barbie Girl ... Aqua ... 1997

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979

35. Shiny Happy People ... R.E.M. ... 1991

36. Make Em Say Uhh! ... Master P featuring Silkk, Fiend, Mia-X and Mystikal ... 1998

37. Rico Suave ... Gerardo ... 1991

38. Cotton Eyed Joe ... Rednex ... 1995

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

40. I Wanna Sex You Up ... Color Me Badd ... 1991

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965

43. Follow Me ... Uncle Kracker ... 2000

44. I'll Do Anything for Love (But I Won't Do That) ... Meat Loaf ... 1993

45. Mesmerize ... Ja Rule featuring Ashanti ... 2002

46. Hangin' Tough ... New Kids on the Block ... 1989

47. The Only Thing That Looks Good on Me Is You ... Bryan Adams ... 1996

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968

49. I'm Too Sexy ... Right Said Fred ... 1992

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998

[Houmatt]

Obviously somebody needs to have better taste in music, because some of these selections have no business being on this list. Let's take a look at them:

1. We Built This City ... Starship ... 1985
Oh, please. I find this song high-spirited and a genuine toe tapper.

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984
What the hell is so bad about a song about Rock & Roll? I've yet to hear one.

7. Don't Worry, Be Happy ... Bobby McFerrin ... 1988
Another inspiring toe-tapper, this one is surpassed only by its video.

8. Party All the Time ... Eddie Murphy ... 1985
Why is this one here? Because Eddie is known for something other than singing?

15. I'll Be There for You ... The Rembrandts ... 1995
How about this one? Because it is a TV theme?

18. You're the Inspiration ... Chicago ... 1984
Not only a good love song, but possibly the last hit for Chicago before Peter Cetera left and the band jumped the shark.

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002
Here is where we begin to get downright offensive. What reason could this song be on here other than its patriotic subject matter?

23. Sunglasses at Night ... Corey Hart ... 1984
A good song, a fun song, a song of nostalgia.

34. Longer ... Dan Fogelberg ... 1979
Here is another example of where we get offensive. This song is, without question, one of the greatest love songs of all-time, right up there with the Beatles' Something.

41. We Didn't Start the Fire ... Billy Joel ... 1989
An uptempo trip through history. Good and fun.

42. The Sounds of Silence ... Simon & Garfunkel ... 1965
And yet another example of the offensive. Will whoever put this list together kindly put down the crack pipe?

48. Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da ... The Beatles ... 1968
Remember when I mentioned the Beatles? Well, I read some years ago that a survey was conducted amongst Beatle fans on which songs they liked the least. They were, in no particular order:

1) Helter Skelter
2) Don't Let Me Down
3) Revolution 9
4) You Know My Name (Look Up My Number)

You may notice the song that made it into this list is not one of those. In fact, one could argue quite convincingly to pick such a song for such a list is patently absurd. I would be rather inclined to agree.

50. My Heart Will Go On ... Celine Dion ... 1998
Yes, the song is sugar sweet. But it was perfect for the movie for which it was written (James Cameron's Titanic), and Celine Dion's vocals added just the right touch to make it the #1 best-selling single of 1998. It also picked up an Oscar the following year.

Obviously there are songs that should have been on this list. I will mention them later. For right now, I turn to you: What songs do not belong on this list? What other songs do?

[NYpeanut]

They forgot Horse With No Name...America

[Mr. Mojo]

Who could truly despise the No. 1 song on their list -- Starship's We Built This City

Although I don't know if I'd place it at the very top, it's definitely top-10 material. Painful listening.

[PMCarey]

Where's Having my Baby? Not to mention, MacArthur Park.

[Mr. Mojo]

Helter Skelter

I like "Helter Skelter," although it's nearly impossible to listen to without thinking of Charles Manson.

[wimpycat]

Any "Worst Songs" list that doesn't include "Midnight at the Oasis" is not to be taken seriously.

[WKB]

"I am I Said" Neil Diamond

[gatorgriz]

Why isn't "Muskrat Love" on the list? That was one real POS IMHO... But probably good enough to pump it into Sadaam's cell 24 hours a day...

[katz]

Then there was the song on Rush's show today something about making an ugly woman your wife. As Rush mused, think if anyone tried to publish that song today. Sorry, I do not know the name of the song.

[Kirkwood]

This is a ridiculous list! Some good stuff on there!!

OK, so where is Melanie and "Brand New Key" and what about that song "Loving You (Is Easy 'Cause You're Beautiful) by someone whose name escapes me at the moment. Both of these are so awful that they should be used to drive insurgents out of Iraq.

[Dante3]

Hey, "Cotton-eyed Joe" keeps me awake when I drive at night.

[TheBigB]

Save some bandwidth...

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1121130/posts

Or

http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-chat/1120485/posts

[Thinkin' Gal]

That was one real POS IMHO... But probably good enough to pump it into Sadaam's cell 24 hours a day...

"I am woman" ought to get that honor. Or perhaps, "Macho Man".

[NathanR]

After checking the whole list, they STILL did not include YMCA.

[Kirkwood]

"Any "Worst Songs" list that doesn't include "Midnight at the Oasis" is not to be taken seriously."

YES! Another loser!

[Mr. Mojo]

Your Body Is a Wonderland ... John Mayer ... 2001

I just don't understand the appeal of this guy. ......Perhaps the most annoying new(ish) musician out there. Nearly every single one of his songs is unlistenable.

[My2Cents]

39. She Bangs ... Ricky Martin ... 2000

Not "She Bangs" by William Hung?

[Billthedrill]

What, Kung Fu Fighting and You're Having My Baby didn't make this list? What about the single most pretentious song in all of rock 'n' roll, Styx's Superstar? Or William Shatner's rendition of MacArthur Park? Come on, people, you want bad music, check out BtD's eight-track collection...

[Vision]

22. Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (The Angry American) ... Toby Keith ... 2002

In their liberal dreams

[cardinal4]

6. The Heart of Rock & Roll ... Huey Lewis and the News ... 1984

What the hell is so bad about a song about Rock & Roll? I've yet to hear one.

Dude, this song is quite possibly the worst song of 84. And thats saying something-84 was the year that brought you Cyndi Lauper, Powerstation, and Van Halen's Jump..