The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. -Helen Hayes (at 73)
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows. -Janette Barber
Who ever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. -Jan King
A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling "Hey, come back here with my breast!" -Linda Ellerbee
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. -Lily Tomlin
You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. -Geri Jewell
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. -Carrie Snow
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. -Laurie Kuslansky
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint. -Erma Bombeck
Old age ain't no place for sissies. -Bette Davis
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome
The phrase "working mother" is redundant. -Jane Sellman
Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows. -Jennifer Unlimited
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. -Charlotte Whitton
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. -Caryn Leschen
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. -Jennifer Unlimited
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. -Catherine Aird
Behind every successful woman...is a substantial amount of coffee. -Stephanie Piro
Behind every successful woman...... is a basket of dirty laundry. -Sally Forth
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES".
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your coffee.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, How's my driving? Call 1-800-"
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting-practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10.The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
A recently married minister went to his congregation, informed them of his wife's pregnancy and asked for a raise that would allow him a reasonable salary. After deliberation it was agreed that the increase in family size warranted the raise.
After six births in six years the congregants called a meeting to complain that the cost was becoming burdensome. Things got contentious.
Finally, the minister stood at the altar and said, a little angrily, "Having children is an act of God!"
"Snow and rain are acts of God, too," a man at the back of the room said, "but most of us wear rubbers."
She's A Keeper If You Hear A Woman Say . . .
* I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.
* I know I'm sore and my parents are in the other room, I still want you right now!
* This porno scene is boring, fast forward to the gang bang.
* Don't get up, I kinda like sleeping in the wetspot.
* Don't dirty up your T-shirt wiping that up, use my blouse.
* That was fun, when will all of your friends be over to watch pornos again?
* I bet it would be kinky to watch you with our baby- sitter Tracy.
* You're my daddy! You're my daddy!
* The new girl in my office is a stripper. I invited her over for dinner on Friday.
* Honey, did you leave that skid in the toilet bowl? Good one!
* While you were in the bathroom, they went for it on fourth down and missed. If they can hold them to a field goal they'll still cover.
* Bar food again!? Kick ass.
* I liked that wedding even more than ours. Your ex-girl- friend has class.
* That girl is wearing the same outfit as I am. Cool, I'm gonna go over and talk to her.
* I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends, tell me more.
* I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one, what a wonderful Valentine's day gift!
* Let's just leave the toilet seat "up" at all times, then you don't have to mess with it anymore.
* I've decided to buy myself a boob job. How big do you want 'em?
* It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
* Honey, come here! Watch me do a Tequila shot off of Chuck's bare ass!
* My mother is going to take care of the tab, so order another round for you and your friends.
* I'm so happy with my new hairstyle, I don't think I'll ever change it again.
* Damn! I love when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch. You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya' big silly!
* You are so much smarter than my father.
* If we're not going to have sex, then you have to let me watch Sportscenter.
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."
Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned
WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN:
A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
"Da-ad..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad..."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later... "Daaaa-aaaad..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?"
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says 'For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'"
