[sweetliberty]

Memo from Santa:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind. However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Joe Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us:

1. There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Joe Claus because he has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads, "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson".

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Joe Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And Bubba Joe Claus doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3. Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba Joe Claus' fireplace.

4. You won't hear, "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen" when Bubba Joe Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, Andretti, on Elliott and Petty

5. "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" You also are likely to hear Bubba Joe Claus' elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Joe Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words, "Back Off".

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and " Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Joe Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other. And Finally,

8. Bubba Joe Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure your wife and kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely yours,

Santa

[sweetliberty]

Ping lists y'all?

The Lone Ranger And Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep. Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend and says,

"Tonto, look up toward the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" asked The Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute, then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then says, "Tonto, you dumb ass, it means someone has stolen our tent."

[notpoliticallycorewrecked]

What side of the cat has the most fur????

[eddie willers]

Two cannibals are dining on a clown.
One looks at the other and says, "This taste funny to you?".

[sfRummygirl]

Now really, what made you think I was going to be into a silly site like this? ;-)

[chicagolady]

Did you here that the United States Post Office created a "Jesse Jackson" stamp for 2004 BUT had to "Recall" it??

Folks were confused as to which side to spit on!!!!!!

[sarasmom]

Sarcasm is my forte, and I always mess up a good joke, so I will spare everyone my efforts.
But I can relate a good practical joke played on me last night.
My neighbors handed me a scratch off LOTTO card, and claimed they forgot to give it to me on Christmas.
I tried to decline it, but finally accepted, when they agreed to accept half of the winnings, if it was a winner.
I was thrilled with our good luck when "we" won $10,000.00!
Grinning from ear to ear I was ecstatic to have won $5,000.00, and still insisted they take half.
For about two minutes, untill my neighbor took pity on me and read the back of the ticket that described how to collect the prize through losersRus.com.
WARNING-do not attempt this gag on people who value money over friendship.

[T'wit]

>> [or a moon pie]

You mean a moom pah? If you don't spell it right, nobody will know what you are talking about.

[baltodog]

Q) "If seven horses were swimming upstream in an elevator, how many pounds of pancake batter would it take to paint a man-hole cover -- true or false?"

A) (Hold your hands approx 12 in apart) "Wrong, it's this color!!"

[pa_dweller]

A blind man from out of town wanted a drink. As it happened he ended up in a lesbian bar. So he's sitting on a stool nursing his drink and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a dumb blonde joke. The bartender is not amused.

"Mister," she begins, with a tight voice, "I can see that you're blind so I'm going to give you a chance to reconsider your last statement. I am a blonde; the bouncer you walked past has a professional wrestling day job, and she's a blonde; the woman on your left is the president of a very successful company and has an IQ over 150, and she's a blonde; the woman on your right weighs 210 pounds and has a black belt in karate, and she's a blonde; and, the woman behind you recently got out of prison after 15 years for murdering her boyfriend with a steak knife and she's a blonde. Now, are you sure you still want to tell that joke?"

The blindman thinks on this for a few moments then sighs "Nah, not if I'm going to have to explain it five times."

[Holly_P]

Girl with big juggs