Dennis Miller on "The situation" (Urban Legend)

(For those who don't know, Dennis Miller is a comedian who has a show called Dennis Miller Live on HBO. He recently went on a rant about the situation:Ñ)

“A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need. Don't thank me. I'm a giver. Here we go: The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: There are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Palestinian sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, and there were no Palestinian then, and the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no Palestinians; then. As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the Palestinians, weeping for their deep bond with their lost land and nation. So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word Palestinian any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: Arabs who can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death. I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: Adjacent Jew-Haters.; Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course -- that's where the real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or The Zionist Entity; as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-ribbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on G-d's Earth, and if you've ever been around G-d's Earth, you know that's really saying something. It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mideast. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.

Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five million Jews.

Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding. My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting. No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death. Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations in Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of supermodels who've just had their drugs taken away. However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11 our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) start to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint. If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan. (Hey, wait a minute, that's actually not such a bad idea . . ..ooh, that is, what a horrible thought, yeah, horrible.)

I think your WRONG! is WRONG!

The real Dennis Miller's Middle East "Rant" from:
http://www.hbo.com/dml/

Middle East
5/31/02

Now I don't want to get off on a rant here, but if history is any indication, a lasting solution to the current conflict in the Middle East has a snowball's chance in Hebron.

When I think of all the wars that have been fought over possession of the very cradle of the world's three major religions, I can't help but wonder if maybe God is slowly turning agnostic. You have to just marvel at the stun-gun absurdity of fighting to the death over what happens after you die.

Hey, I've got no clue what's going on in the Middle East. All I know is, you have two Abrahamic religious groups enmeshed in a conflict whose modern incarnation dates to the 1917 Balfour declaration, with territory disputes that remain unresolved despite the Wye River Accords and U.N. Resolutions 242 and 338... but I probably just sound like an ignorant American there.

For 80 years, Palestinians and Israelis have been killing each other over the same arid strip of hardpan. That's four generations of Arabs and Israelis who have grown up in a perpetual state of war. No wonder it's impossible for either side to fathom the concept of peace. In the Middle East, "Peace" is what you rest in.

Palestine, though generally barren, was desirable to the Jewish people because it is the birthplace of the three main monotheistic religions: Islam, Judasism, and Cubs Fans-- no, Christianity. Now, if God gives you a slice of land on a piece of desert and calls it the Promised Land, you gotta ask yourself: Promise Land? Hasn't God ever been to Cabo?

Look, you have to admit that Israel is in more of a no-win situation than a Ballpark Frank entering the Westminster Dog Show. They're a democracy trying to abide by Western norms in a region that does not play by those rules. I guarantee you, you plunk Switzerland down somewhere between Syria and Iraq, and they're going to be thinking about how to kill somebody with a Toblerone.

And to the suicide bombers: how are you helping to improve the lives of your people when you so patently disregard your own life? And really, isn't this 72 virgins thing just a little overrated? I mean, after three or four, doesn't the thrill kind of wear off? And by Virgin 23, you're going to be begging for a pro, someone who knows when and when not to use their teeth.

I guess my main objection to suicide bombing is how commercial its all gotten. Back during the old intifada of '88, a guy strapped some explosives to his chest, walked into a building and blew himself up. Now he's got to make a video, pose for eight-by-tens. Maybe I'm old school, but whatever happened to the suicide bomber who just did it for the love of the hate?

It doesn't matter who's right and who's wrong. The second you resort to suicide bombings, you automatically become more wrong than Mike Tyson showing up for the premiere of "Divine Secrets of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood."

You know, I don't understand Yasser Arafat's game. Ehud Barak offered him arguably the best deal of any Israeli leader in recent history, and Arafat pissed all over it like he was Ozzy Osbourne taking a whiz on his loud neighbors barbeque.

On the other side of the sandbags, you have Ariel Sharon. Now, Ariel Sharon has never been a guy who knows verses 3 through 5 of "Kumbaya." But this recent intifada has hardened him like a dead guy on Viagra. At this point, Sharon believes the only time Arabs and Jews will share the land is when they're under it.

The sad truth is, everyone in this thing just needs one good hard slap-upside-the-head of common sense. Hey Sharon, stop building settlements and pretending the Palestinians are going to go away. Hey Yasser, stop buying explosives with European money and wearing a map of Israel on your headscarf. Hey Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah, stop talking peace but refusing to meet with the Israelis. Hey Chester the Cheetah, stop packing your bags of Cheetos with 97% air and half a coke-spoon of orange powder and laying that "Contents of package may settle" bullshit on me.

What is my answer to the age-old problem in the Middle East? Simple! Give the Palestinians CASINOS! It worked here in the U.S. for our Native Americans. Look, all religion has done is to jump-start a grudge war over it's individual beliefs and at least in casinos everyone can get along, have a few drinks, play a little Black Jack and forget their problems. You don't even have to build a lot of new buildings because they already have a thousand-year-old Holy Land theme going on over there. "C'mon, seven. Baby Jesus needs a new pair of shoes!"

Look, trying to separate the Middle East equitably is like trying to cut a water balloon in half with the back of a comb. And I know I'm not the guy who should be telling people to end their decades old grudges-but if I can forgive that motherfucker Sinbad for beating me on Star Search, than Israel and Palestine can certainly get their shit together.

Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.

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