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THANKSGIVING DINNER ETIQUETTE TIPS

After tasting the turkey never ask,"Is this Cosco?"

There is an old saying that fish and visitors stink after 3 days. We at Comedyzine also have a saying. Never tell any of your fellow guests that they smell like fish.

If the turkey is too dry, it is okay to spit on your turkey however refrain from spitting on your neighbor's turkey.

Do not blow your nose on the tablecloth. You may use the tablecloth as a napkin by tucking it into your pants. It is important to remove the tablecloth from your pants when leaving the table.

Keys, purses and briefcases should be kept off the dinner table at all times. Same goes for cats, ant farms, spermicide gels, used hyperdermic needles, feminine hygiene products, bodily fluids, anything furry and moving and missing digits from deceased family members.

Refrain from speaking with your mouth full. If you must speak, spit your food out on the carpet and then say whatever is on your mind.

Remember to keep your elbows off the table and to sit up straight. If you have doubts about where your hands belong then just put them in your lap. By doing this you can turn a boring, mundane meal into an enjoyable evening. Also you may use your napkin to cover any embarrassing wet spots.

If your soup is too hot, do not blow on it. Save any blowing for an after dinner treat.

If you find a hair in your soup, eat around it. Same goes for a toupee.

If you have a food particle trapped in your teeth, do not pick at it with your fork. You could put a hole in your cheek. The unsightly hole and the huge amount of blood loss will not only be embarrassing, it will also make it more difficult to enjoy your meal. Also a knife works better.

Feel free to smoke at the dinner table. If you need an ashtray just use the glass of the person sitting next to you. Preferably when he/she is looking the other way.

If you need to take medication while at the table, no explanations are necessary. However if you require a blood transfusion during dinner, it is appropriate to let the host/hostess know beforehand.

Always pass the food to your right. Even if there is no one on your right and in doing so you would be dropping food on the floor. Remember, etiquette first.

It is impolite to salt your food before tasting it. It is also considered impolite to regurgitate your food after tasting it.

Never juggle your cutlery.

If you happen to pass gas at the table, always blame the dog. If they have no dog then blame the person next to you. Never blame the goldfish.

Only AFTER dinner is it appropriate for you to do your 'pull the tablecloth without disturbing any of the dishes' trick. Remember even if the trick fails, a broken dish is one less dish to wash.

It is rude to salt and pepper your food before tasting it. It is really rude to salt and pepper the food of the person next to you, unless of course you tasted it first.

Never ask the hostess for ketchup.

Refrain from the ventriloquist act yelling "ouch" as if it came from the turkey as it is carved.

Don't use the chainsaw to carve the turkey.