Spouse Moved Out and I am Picking Up the Pieces, How did you manage starting out again

11.19.03 | self

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

You know me by another name. This is too personal but I value Freeper advice. My husband has been gone for about 6 months and today he moved into a house he bought. The story is long, difficult and really not important. What is important is that I have to somehow manage the house, the children, the homeschooling and work. I have been on overdrive for two + years working full time and homeschooling. Prior to that our family spent close to three years ducking and recovering from the bombs my husband ignited in our lives.I am exhausted and need Freeper Wisdom and encouragement.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Try to seek out a small few of the wisest, most serene people you know, and confide mainly in them. You need people who will advocate wisdom in your circumstance, and who won't take a personal stake in any preconceived outcome.


Thank you. That is an excellent way of putting it.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Let me know if I can help. I have lots of resorces for free materials, although you have already been through it with your oldest and most likely have your materials saved for your youngest. I know there are e-mail loops through yahoo for single parents who homeschool. I hope you can find a group in your area and you can band together to help each other out. Really, my thoughts are with you and your kids.


Thanks. Tons of program, jsut the quality teacher time is suffering.

[WhyisaTexasgirlinPA]

First of all I'm very sorry for your family -

I know it seems almost impossible right now, but you need to see the positives in this whole situation:

Your husband has some problems - obviously serious ones that have caused a lot of anxiety and hurt the family - Not only do you and your children NOT need to constantly be around someone who is so self centered that he puts himself before his own children, but he also needs to see the consequences of his actions. He may not now, but one day he will realize what he gave up.

You are in a much better situation than many other women - it sounds as if you are able to support the household and you have some income property - think of the women who are left holding a depleted checkbook and no income at all.

Fifty is NOT old (said the girl turning 45 in a week! lol)..... You may feel old right now, but that is because he has made you feel this way - You feel unwanted and pushed aside - Instead you need to realize that you are not the problem - he is - He is so unsettled that he is off in search of something new - He probably never will be happy.

And one last thing - don't worry what anyone else thinks - you don't have to justify what he did to anyone. You know the story, your children are going to miss him but HE is the one who left - Don't speak ill of him, but let them know they need to tell him how upset they are.

Good luck to you....

[Canticle_of_Deborah]

After reading some of your responses, you sound pretty darn together! You are not giving yourself enough credit my dear freeperette!

Things will be okay. I will pray for you too.

[wizardoz]

1). Rearrange the furniture. Change whatever you can. Hang pictures in different places. Swap the rugs in different rooms. Move the plants. Do whatever you can to make the house look different than it did when he was there. If you can paint a room or two, do it.

2). Sell old books to a used book store. Buy different ones.

3). Rent movies he wouldn't like.

4). Cut your hair. Dye your hair. Curl your hair. Do something with it.

5). Cook strange things. If it doesn't turn out, oh well, he's not there to gripe about it.

6). Read Madame Bovary and think "wow, could be worse."

7). Rent a terrifying movie. Instead of crying at night, hide under the covers and hope there isn't a monster in the bathroom.

8.) Listen to music from Before Him. If you have to go all the way back to the BeeGees, do it.

9.) Ask your kids for advice (if they are over 11 or so).

10.) Consider counseling. You might not need it, but it will take the load off your best friends, who will otherwise have to hear it all.

[potlatch]

You may have to put your children in public school, so you can work and get your life in order. Don't stay with someone who treats you badly, you will never enjoy your life that way and the children will see that.

I will pray for you and wish you well. Carol

[ETERNAL WARMING]

Prayers for you SAFIMIAD. I've had my own traumas to deal with. What I learned was to call Jesus into my life, because I really could not cope anymore, so I gave my life to Him. I was discouraged, worn out and broken. And surprise, He did indeed enter my life and heal me. He has given me unbelievable strength to carry on. I can't imagine not talking everything over with Him or going thru life without Him. His gentle care is awesome.

[bvw]

People have already mentioned establishing and keeping family-together times -- most importantly, at least four days a week, sitting down to a regular dinner. Going to religious services together is another. I do not think sports counts as much, although it does somewhat. Doing chores together. Always look to rope in your rebelling son by some motherly-sweet wile into a chore you are doing, so he can get the sense of helping you.

Honest chores create a sense of purpose and usefulness useful to soothing your son's discontents. Tell him YOU need his support and strength, that you are relying on him to pull his load and a bit more.

Very important you keep him in the company of good friends for him, and pull him away from bad ones.

That's my advice for dealing with him. Now I also have some advice for dealing with yourself.

What your son is going through is a phase. Phases can be short or long. But they are phases. You want to (1) help him achieve the next phase (2) do what you can to prevent permanent damage in this phase (3) help him herd all his impulses and inclinations so that the next phase is a productive, healthy, more-adult one. Remember I am speaking to you about you here. These are the things for you to keep in mind to yourself. To help you.

Friends are good for you, too. Here you are on FR, wit's end, stressed out enough to ask for help. (Honestly I'd agree with others that you already have done most of the important and hard stuff, that you have your act pretty much together.)

Well, as friends go, FR is only so far. You need some real-life friends as well, ones to spend a few hours a week with to blow off steam, or just mellow out with. So do what you can to provide, for yourself, that regular healthy compansionship of friends.

[Evil Inc]

Good for you. I wish you the best and pray for you to have the strength needed. Time does heal all wounds, and wounds all heels.

[Mamzelle]

Many prayers for you.

May I ask about general finances? Debt load, prospects for a job?

Looks like first step will have to be, unfortunately, putting kids into school. (I support homeschoolers, but don't see continuing as possible unless you are very well situtated financially.) That'll keep you busy for quite some time, visiting and registering and submitting yourself to new rules. You might want to hold out for the new year...if finances allow.

[Tijeras_Slim]

I wish I could help more, but all I can say is that you've got FRiends here.

[Mamzelle]

re: I would move in a heartbeat but there is a ten year clause in our contract.)))

Home lease? Hm. May not be set in stone. Something for your lawyer. Have you found one? In a world of lawyers, it is very tough to find a decent one. You don't want a tiger, but you don't want a mouse either.

[Mamzelle]

Ah--I see that you have some real property. Please disregard "set in stone" lease thing.

And, he may not *have* that retirement. From what I am reading, it sounds as if he will be a ward of the state shortly--. You may want to go after assets before the state does.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Fifty is NOT old (said the girl turning 45 in a week! lol)..... You may feel old right now, but that is because he has made you feel this way - You feel unwanted and pushed aside - Instead you need to realize that you are not the problem - he is - He is so unsettled that he is off in search of something new - He probably never will be happy.

And one last thing - don't worry what anyone else thinks - you don't have to justify what he did to anyone. You know the story, your children are going to miss him but HE is the one who left - Don't speak ill of him, but let them know they need to tell him how upset they are


thank you

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I guess everyone has a dark night or two. I am just tired. In some ways things have been falling apart slowly for a long time and now ...well just and now...

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

1). Rearrange the furniture. Change whatever you can. Hang pictures in different places. Swap the rugs in different rooms. Move the plants. Do whatever you can to make the house look different than it did when he was there. If you can paint a room or two, do it.


LOL I HAVE BEEN PAINTING THE ENTIRE HOUSE ONE ROOM AT A TIME. AND REARRANGING, AND ADDING WALLS, AND NOW A GARAGE AND AN APARTMENT. THE PLACE LOOKS LIKE A MONSOON HIT IT....BUT THE HOMESCHOOL ROOM AND MY BEDROOM AND THE KITCHEN IS UNDER CONTROL.

2). Sell old books to a used book store. Buy different ones.

3). Rent movies he wouldn't like.

4). Cut your hair. Dye your hair. Curl your hair. Do something with it.

5). Cook strange things. If it doesn't turn out, oh well, he's not there to gripe about it.

6). Read Madame Bovary and think "wow, could be worse."

7). Rent a terrifying movie. Instead of crying at night, hide under the covers and hope there isn't a monster in the bathroom.

8.) Listen to music from Before Him. If you have to go all the way back to the BeeGees, do it.

9.) Ask your kids for advice (if they are over 11 or so).

10.) Consider counseling. You might not need it, but it will take the load off your best friends, who will otherwise have to hear it all.



THANKS FOR THE TIPS....I COULD USE A MOVIE RIGHT NOW.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

I will pray for you and wish you well. Carol


Thank you.

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

So do what you can to provide, for yourself, that regular healthy compansionship of friends.

You mean more than a once a month lunch with a girlfriend where I cry and the cellphone rings? (/wry off)

[Stick a Fork in Me - I am Done]

Finances do allow me to hold out for a neew year. My I need to find new, less stressful work. I am slowing building up clientel and moving into self employment.

[bvw]

Every four weeks a new moon.

Yes, an hour a week at least.