Di Leo: Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Episode 10

American Free News Network ^ | October 17, AD 2023 | John F. Di Leo

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Political Satire: Having trouble surviving these times? You’re not alone. Join us in columnist John F. Di Leo’s exploration of an alternate universe, where we imagine the impossible:

Joe Buckstop, an aging, corrupt old fool, somehow becomes president in his basement, and every night, an aide has to bring him his soup and discuss the events of the day as he prepares to receive his nightly meds…

Dateline, February 8. Begin Transcript:

“Good evening, boss! Guess what we have for you tonight!”

“Well, it had better be soup…”

“Of course it’s soup, sir, but it’s one of my favorites… country beef and vegetable. Delicious AND good for you, sir!”

“Oh good. Yeah, I like that one. Used to have country beef and vegetable soup at a little deli in Scranton when I was a boy. Did you know I used to live in Scranton?”

“Uh, yes, sir, you’ve mentioned it, now and again, sir.”

“Yup, always liked soup when I was a boy. There was this waitress there…”

“Uh, yes sir, I’m sure there was. Enjoy your soup, sir.”

“Hey, were there any crackers?”

“Yes sir, they must still be in the bag… here you are, sir. I got several packets this time since I could help myself.”

“Oh? Didn’t they have enough help at this place either?”

“No, it was fine. I’m happy to get my own napkins and crackers. But yes, I’d say they were a bit frazzled. Probably could use another person or two on the evening shift.”

“You know, I could write an EO to take care of that, son…”

“No sir, umm, no need sir. We talked about this last night, sir, remember?”

“No… didn’t I spend last night in my pyramid?”

“No sir, that must’ve been a dream. You watched the Super Bowl yesterday, sir, and had soup, and we talked about your ideas for the minimum wage, sir.”

“Oh. So we’ve already seen the Super Bowl?”

“Yes sir.”

“Who won?”

“The Washington Senators, sir. The decision desk awarded it to them at halftime.”

“Oh. Fancy that. I don’t remember… how was their offense?”

“Oh, it was pretty offensive, sir. Especially at halftme.”

“Oh well. That’s the way it goes. maybe we’ll win next year.”

“Oh? Who are you rooting for these days, sir?”

“I don’t know. I thought you knew?”

‘Um, no sir, I guess not.”

“Okay. Where’s this soup from?”

“The carryout section of The Millionaires’ Club. I used to work there part time when I was a kid.”

“Catchy name.”

“Yes sir. Well, the days of millionaires are probably over. Except for the millions of unemployed.”

“Huh? Who do you mean?”

“Well, I heard today that there’s a report that when the minimum wage is doubled, like congress wants to do, 1.4 million people would lose their jobs, sir.”

“Obnoxious Republican papers…”

“No sir, this was from the Congressional Budget Office, sir. A CBO report, sir.”

“Oh, well they’re run by Republicans, aren’t they?”

“Um, no sir, they’re nonpartisan, but run by Democrats, pretty much no matter who controls the chamber, sir.”

“Oh. I guess I never paid much attention to their reports…”

“Why not, sir? You were in the Senate for 35 years…”

“Yeah, but that’s a lot to read. You ever see one of those things? They’re like, a half an inch thick, sometimes more. And all text, no pictures.”

“Pictures, sir?”

“Well, you know, if there were pictures in it, that would help… maybe pictures of cute economists…”

“Ah. Well, Okay sir… Umm… What struck me was their certainty that at least 1.4 million people would lose their jobs. ”

“Well, that’s other people, son. Not people like us. Once you have a job on the Hill, you don’t have to worry about things like jobs. There are people out there to take care of you. So don’t worry about it.”

“Umm, sir, I wasn’t thinking of myself. I was thinking of kids like my high school friends who got their first jobs at fast food places, and as cashiers at stores at the mall, and working as ticket takers and ushers at the movie theater. These are the kind of jobs that get cut. Every time the minimum wage goes up, some of them get cut. And DOUBLING the minimum wage all at once, well, that’s so extreme…”

“Gee. They told me that it wouldn’t have any effect.”

“Who told you that, sir?”

“My economists. My advisors.”

“Any of them ever work at a carry out window or a checkout line at a department store or the receiving dock of a discount shop?”

“Hell no!”

“Well then, sir. What do they know about the kind of people who are paid minimum wage?”

“Who?”

“The people who are paid minimum wage. ”

“What about them?”

“I’m just saying, sir, what do your fancy ivy league economists know about the kind of people who are paid minimum wage when they’re in high school or college, trying to get a start on the ladder? What do they know about the millions of people who will lose their jobs if the speaker passes that doubling plan?”

“That reminds me. I have some bills to sign. So glad I don’t have to read them. I was really worried about that for a while. I don’t like to read anymore. But Nancy said I don’t have to. She said she would make sure the only things I’m given to sign are okay. And the Doctor nodded her head ‘yes,’ too.”

“But sir, what if that bill includes the doubling of the minimum wage?”

“Oh, that’s a good idea. Let’s double my lunch … get me another bowl, okay?”

“Must I, sir?”

“Must you what?”

“Oh, never mind. Thank you, your grubbiness…”

“Eh? What was that? You mumbled that last bit…”

Copyright 2021 John F Di Leo

Excerpted with permission from “Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volume One,” from Free State West Publishing, available in paperback or eBook exclusively on Amazon.

John F. Di Leo is a Chicagoland-based international transportation and trade compliance professional and consultant. A onetime Milwaukee County Republican Party chairman, he has been writing a regular column for Illinois Review since 2009. His book on vote fraud (The Tales of Little Pavel) and his political satires on the current administration (Evening Soup with Basement Joe, Volumes I and II) are available only on Amazon