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You mention P. J. O’Rourke; enjoy this rant delivered to a condescending Brit who has just said something about how Americans think war is a John Wayne movie:

We think war is a John Wayne movie. We think life is a John Wayne movie – with good guys and bad guys, as simple as that. Well, you know something, Mister Limey Poofter? You’re right. And let me tell you who those bad guys are. They’re us. WE BE BAD.
We’re the baddest-assed sons of bitches that ever jogged in Reeboks. We’re three-quarters grizzly bear and two-thirds car wreck and descended from a stock market crash on our mother’s side. You take your Germany, France and Spain, roll them all together and it wouldn’t give us room to park our cars. We’re the big boys, Jack, the original, giant, economy-sized, new and improved butt kickers of all time. When we snort coke in Houston, people lose their hats in Cap d’Antibes. And we’ve got an American Express card credit limit higher than your piss-ant metric numbers go.
You say our country’s never been invaded? You’re right, little buddy. Because I’d like to see the needle-dicked foreigners who’d have the guts to try. We drink napalm to get our hearts started in the morning. A rape and a mugging is our way of saying “Cheerio.” Hell can’t hold our sock-hops. We walk taller, talk louder, spit further, f*ck longer, and buy more things than you know the names of. I’d rather be a junkie in a New York City jail than king, queen and jack of all you Europeans. We eat little countries like this for breakfast and sh*t them out before lunch.

P. J. O’Rourke, from Among the Euro-Weenies, in Holidays In Hell, 1988

That was a lot of fun. Thank you for posting it.

I’m a legal immigrant. It took a long time to take the oath of citizenship, but it still feels new and awesome and precious to me all the time. On road trips, I sing 1 verse of The Star Spangled Banner for every flag we see outside Perkins. I love this country so much. Being a citizen thrills me every blessed day!