A recent encounter with Hugo and the squatter in our white house

Email | May 27, 2011 | unknown

[oneolcop]

5-14-2011 Heard some SR71’s are going to be sold surplus….hope my bid wins!

5-20-2011 Well, I didn’t win the SR71 auction. Some guy from Venezuela, (the only other bidder) out-bid me by $19,999,500.

5-21-2011 Okay, the SR71 story hasn’t ended yet. It’s gone into bazaaro world. Too much to print here, so I posted the story on my “Notes” page.

Last night, I was eating a Hostess Cherry Pie & drinking a glass of milk while watching “The Office”. I get a call from an unidentified caller. The guy has a thick accent and introduces himself as “Hugo, the guy that won the SR71”. I’m thinking “He wants to sell it to me at a profit.” But, NOOOOOO! He just wants to gloat! I couldn’t believe it! The jerk just wants to freak’n rub it in.

He’s going on and on about how he’s the winner and I’m just a big fat loser! Then he goes into a rant of how all Americans are dumb and that he’s smarter than everyone! I’m thinking, “No way! This can’t be real”. It was a VOIP call, so I traced his IP address and sure enough, the call originates in Venezuela!

Anyhow, I tell Hugo that he’s the idiot that bid 19 million more than he had to, and good luck finding JP7 to fuel the thing. This got him all fired up and he starts ranting that he really doesn’t have to pay for it cause he’s buddies with Obama, and If I knew what was good for me I’d keep my mouth shut.

Now, I realized who this was! So I baited him saying, “Yeah, it must suck living in a country with such weak leadership”. He confirmed my suspicions by going on a rant about how Venezuela’s President is solid as rock and tough as steel. I said, “You’re not really the communist-dictator-tough-guy that you think you are” His reply was simply “Oh yes I am!” I said, “No, you’re really a New Jersey-Metro-Sexual who walks around with his shirt untucked and sleeves pulled half way up his forearms.” That sent him into orbit! He started screaming like squealing pig, using a language I didn’t recognize. I think I heard AK47 fire in the background. It reminded me of one of those WWII movies where it’s April of 1945 and someone tells Hitler they really aren’t winning the war.

Then he says, “I’m gonna have Obama deport you”. To which I replied, “You must not be very good buddies with him, otherwise you’d know that all I have to do when his goons come to get me, is say “I have no ID and only speak Klingon” “They’ll just walk away “ “Ha ha, you must be the dumbest dictator in the world”

That ended the call. He just made the comment, “I hope you really wanted that SR71, cause I’m going to crash it into your house”. I replied, “I triple-dog-dare-you Yugo!”, and gave him the GPS coordinates of my house. (I called him that even though he probably never heard of a Yugo before).

So, I spent the rest of last night filling the house with popcorn. Today I’m gonna wrap the exterior with like a hundred layers of bubble wrap. Won’t Hugo be surprised when his “crash” is just a nice soft landing? Looks like I’m getting my SR71 after all!

5-24-2011 Well, this morning @ 5:45, I’m walking out the front door with Jack, my Beagle-Lab mix and I hear a woooooooSHHHHHHHH! …CRASH!!!!! Followed by a cloud of dust rising from the back yard. So I walk around the house to the back yard only to find a giant hole in the ground where my shed once stood. Pieces of shed were scattered all over the place. I’m thinking what the? Then I noticed pieces of titanium scattered among the debris. THAT FREAK’N IDIOT CHAVEZ HIT THE SHED INSTEAD OF THE HOUSE!

The jet must have been going about mach 8 when it hit, cause it augered into the ground about 300 feet, taking all of the contents in the shed with it. Dirt bikes, snow blower, lawn mower….gone. No explosion or fire, just dust. Must be because JP7 doesn’t really burn that well. Then I hear a noise and look up to see Hugo clinging to the top of a pine tree like a bear cub. He must have ejected just before impact because his chute was tangled in the trees above him. I yelled up to him, “I GUESS I KNOW WHAT THE OPPOSITE OF A SMART BOMB IS………YOU MORON”!!!!

I turned to get my chain saw…”Oh crap, it’s in the 300 foot hole”. Found my axe lying on the ground in the debris. As I’m walking to the tree, Hugo removes his orange pressure suit boots and throws them at me. They had 6” thick platforms made of cork glued to them. In doing that, he lost his grip on the pine tree and the chute ripped lowering him slowly to the ground. I couldn’t believe how short he was. Mr. communist-dictator-tough-guy only stood 5’2” without his platforms.

He takes off his helmet and throws it at me saying, “There’s your F-n airplane”. I replied, “Thanks a lot Napoleon, who’s gonna clean up this mess”? Then he saw the axe and started grabbing for an ancient Tokarev pistol that had rusted solid years ago.

Suddenly, three black Suburban’s screeched to a halt in the street next to my house. He took off running, with Jack biting at his heels. He ran pretty fast for how short he was. He looked like an orange wiener dog running on its hind legs. The door swung open and Hugo jumped into the back seat of the middle SUV. Then the three of them left as quickly as they came.

I just turned and took Jack for his walk.

What the heck am I going to do with all the popcorn and bubble wrap?

5-25-2011 More news……hopefully the last of it.

Yesterdays clean up looked like it was going to take forever. I had no idea what to do with all the popcorn, so I decided to just shovel it out into the front yard. Shoveling was taking too long, (my wife told me I had to have the mess cleaned up by that evening), so I used a gasoline powered leaf blower. That baby made short work of a big job. What to do with all the popcorn once I got it out of the house became a non-issue, once every bird in the Northeast found out about it. My front yard was like a scene from Alfred Hitchcock’s, “The Birds”. Crows, Finches, Sparrows, Jays, even some Ducks were in on it. But it was mostly Seagulls partaking in the frenzy.

While the birds were cleaning up the front, I was at work cleaning up the back yard, raking the remains of my shed into the hole left by the jet. I did, however, keep all the pieces of titanium. It’s one of my favorite metals……very light yet strong.

My cell phone rings with a call from some clown claiming to be President Obama. “Yeah right”! Says he’d like to send his “associate” to give me a ride in an SR71 from Rochester to Washington. “Ha ha, very funny TOM! “. (My friend Tom is always making stupid calls like that). The guy on the phone says, “Tom? My name is Barack Hussein Obama”….My reply…”Bull-Duke”! “Prove it”! Then he says, “Turn on MSNBC”. I’m thinking, “Yeah, that’s right, MSNBC has him on 24/7”.

So, I go inside and turn the channel to MSNBC & sure enough, there’s Obama, just like every other time I turn on MSNBC. Except he’s not standing behind a teleprompter equipped podium, pontificating like he always does. This time, he’s sitting at a desk, talking on the phone while looking at a teleprompter.

I said, “Alright, put the phone on speaker” It took him 5 minutes & 3 disconnects while fumbling with the phone before an aide put the phone on speaker. Then I said, “Okay, now stand up, and rub your tummy while patting your head”. He stood & turned to look at the aide, who went through the motions described. Obama tried the same, and wound up patting both his head and tummy at the same time. Followed by a second attempt where he rubbed both his head and tummy. “Okay, okay…..I know it’s you”.

He then said he was concerned about my immigration status. That an “associate” of his had told him I was from Klingon, not Mexico. He gestured toward his “associate” who was in view, standing behind him. It was SO obvious that it was Chavez wearing a crappy disguise; consisting of a Skipper’s hat, corn-cob pipe and Ray-Ban aviators……He looked like a Douglas MacArthur, bobble-head. Obama then went on to say that he’d like to include “my people” in his new immigration policy.

I was in disbelief. “Are you freak’n kidding me”?!!! “I’ve already met your “associate” and seen the results of his piloting skills”! That’s when Hugo flipped me a bird, by fake scratching his nose with his middle finger. The ass-clowns at MSNBC didn’t catch it and broadcast the vulgar gesture.

Obama then said, “Well I’d still like to discuss your immigration status”. ‘How about the three of us discuss it over a beer?” I couldn’t contain myself. “Why don’t you have your goons research my citizenship status”?

‘They can look at my MIITARY RECORD, COLLEGE TRANSSCRIPTS, PASSPORT, SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER (of which I only have one), or my BIRTH CERTIFACATE “. “ALL will confirm that I’m a LEGAL U.S. CITIZEN”!!!! Not KLINGON or MEXICAN”!

Of course MSNBC immediately broke to a special report about Lindsay Lohan before I even finished the word Military.

I guess I won’t be getting that ride in the SR71.

[oneolcop]

Got a chuckle out of this email